Emotional Atyachar

Aaj bas mazaak ka mann nahin hai,
Khule aasman mein, ghataa ki parchai hai.
Dil ki chaddaron mein, ab silwatein bhi ban aayi hai,
Kal Subah jo thi, ab shaam hone ko aayi.
Aaj bas mazaak ka mann nahin hai.

Mann ke gubbarein, itne jo fulaaye the,
Binaa bandishon ke, baaghon mein bhi mandraye the.
Dekh ke mujhe aaj tumhara ruuthna hi toh sahi hai,
inn aansooun mein chipi si hansi bhi toh kahin hai.
Aaj bas mazaak ka mann nahin hai.

Phele hum lekhak the, kavi aaj ban paaye hain,
Kal the hum akele, aaj phir sabse mil paaye hain.
Raston mein mere, saath jo chalaa karte the,
Unhe dhundti aankhen aaj namm si ban aayi hai.
Aaj bas mazaak ka mann nahin hai.

Gulaabi the sapne, lal hare aur neele,
Hote the kitne, aam woh rasiile.
Aaj cycle ki hawaa zaraa 'phiss' si ho aayi hai,
Zindagi ne apni ab pthesis bhi likhwaayi hai.
Aaj bas mazaak ka mann nahin hai.

Baarisho mein bheegna, kabhi aadat bhi thi
Raaton ko sone mein raahat bhi thi.
Ab neend bhi kahin, guum si ho aayi hai,
Ab kaanton se bhi kya kissi ke dil ne thand paayi hai?
Aaj bas mazaak ka mann nahin hai.

Par yeh kya, aaj yeh saamne kaun aayi hai?
Jhat se apni hansi se, mere dil mein aa samaai hai.
Panktiyaan hi kya, inke liye toh puuri kahani hi likhwayi hai.
Life ki badnaseeb lawn mein, aaj gardening bhi karwayi hai
Shaayad aaj bas mazaak ka mann hi sahi hai.

Har ball pe chakke, har shot pe goal dunga
Pappu ho ya pappita, aajtoh sabko hansa lunga.
Bahut hua rona dhona, ab time sahi hai hansne ka,
Itna boloon, ke log bole, "Bhai, aur kaam nahin koi karne ka?"
Shaayad aaj bas mazaak ka mann hi sahi hai.

Dekho mujhe, khush kitna hoon main aaj
Dancing dancing i go, without caring for this samaaj
i think i've got to go pee, bahut zor se ab aayi hai
padho yeh zara dhyaan se, bade paagal ki likhai hai
Shaayad aaj bas mazaak ka mann hi sahi hai.

Natkhat si muskan unki, mere dil ko chuu leti hai,
Meri bakwaas se unhe hansi bhi bahut aati hai.
Life ke canvas pe, nayi painting banwayi hai
bachke raho zaraa, mentally retarded yeh sipahi hai
Shaayad aaj bas mazaak ka mann hi sahi hai.

Saxophone, trumpet, piano, dhol nagade,
naache mere aaj saare dost, sahana to bagade
woh, life without life mein, life waapas laayi hai
starting thi poem, ab rap pe ending aayi hai
Shaayad aaj bas mazaak ka mann hi sahi hai.


Bahut hua aajke liye, ab kaam pe lag jao
phut phut, shoo shoo, ab jaldi se bhaag jao
"I'm out of words", ab yeh kehne pe ban hai
"How jobless are you?" ka context bhi toh fine hai
Shaayad aaj bas mazaak ka mann hi sahi hai.

Anand

Main Aur MsPinky

Ever since you were a kid, whenever something bad happened, an irritating pie-head would come and tell you "Aww, but look at the silver lining!" Screw that! There's never 'always a silver lining'...no! But the reverse is always true! Cuz whenever something good happens, something bad just about to happen. You always get bird shit on your face on the sunniest of the days! Right?! Yes!

We've all been on play dates right? when you were kids, your folks would take you to someone else's house to play with their kids! Sounds pretty simple, with potential for good clean fun! Unfortunately, my family was a late bloomer, in the the field of play dates. My first play date was when i was fifteen! And it was a DISASTER! Now the good part was that the other kid was a cute girl, the bad part, was that our parents came with us! Mom had warned me to keep my mouth to myself. You filthy animal, its didn't mean what you think it did, it meant that i had to basically shut up! It started off pretty well, actually. Introductions and everything. Then the lady was like "This is my daughter, Pinky, wearing a pink frock, her room's also pink, she loves pink you see!" i had the expression of WTF on the face, but she was pretty so it didn't bother me! Then the fist bomb exploded, with full isshtyle i offered a handshake as a gesture of greeting, and with full lowered eyebrows, my mom gave me a look of "Ghar chalo, batati hoon tumhe!" Gradually, the temperatures hit the floor and we all sat down.
Now, what happens when 2 parents meet? They talk about their kids! No, they brag about their kids! They start competing with each other and neither wants to be outdone.

First serve, Pinky's Mom,"Our Pinky is very talented, she has won all the Singing competitions at her school! Does Anand sing too?"
Mom with a backhanded return "He has been singing all his life, in fact he took classical training too! He has the voice, as fresh as morning dew on a march morning"
Truth check: I sound like a coughing crow when i sing and if watching Phillips top ten and MTV most wanted is training then, Yes, i am a trained singer! In fact i can make cattle pregnant with my voice!

Mom continued, "He's also a brilliant cook you know, he can cook all kinda crap from all other kinda crap!"
Mummy Pinky replied "She can bake a mean cake too, just give her some flour and sugar and she'll bake the hell out!"

Truth check: Pinky was the kind of cook, who thought that the best way to make a milkshake was to feed some strawberries to a cow before asking her to ride a rollercoaster! She was as close to being a regular Sanjeev Kapoor or a Nigella Lawson as I am to being a Priyanka Chopra or an Olga Kurylenko!

"Pinky plays the guitar!"
"Bong plays the Piano!"
Truth Check: Lets just say that if i were to play the piano, it would sound like a dog with scurvy is trying to serenade a khujli waali kutiya!

"Pinky's brilliant in biology!"
"Anand sleeps with his laptop!"
Truth check: WHAT THE FUCK?! I do what now?! Couldn't you just say that i was GAY?! It would've been much less embarrassing!

"Pinky paints like Michaelangelo! She can draw anyone's portrait in a minute!"
"Anand paints Michaelangelo!"
"the Michaelangelo? the Painter?"
Truth check: The Michaelangelo, the teenage mutant ninja turtle!

"pinky came second in her standard at her school"
"Anand came first! and had hundred percent attendance!"
Truth Check: Who are we takling about again?

"This last year we went to Penang for a holiday, and an AD agency spotted her!"
"Anand came on the Tv once!"
Truth check: Yes, I was the Monkey Man!

"Pinky tells us everything!"
"Anand doesn't lie to us!"
Truth check: ha ha! ;P

"Pinky has a boyfriend, He's in her class, very smart and from a good family, he is!"
"Bong one too!"
i was like "WHAT?!"
"girlfriend i mean!"
Truth Check: After that "sleeping with the Laptop" line, they probably think i've got the hots for frodo anyway!

"Pinky is a brilliant runner, she won medals in the 1500m race in the last sports day!"
"Anand swims like an Olympic swimmer!"
Truth check: Olympic swimmers are also gay!

"Our pinky is totally mad after the that band, backstreet boys!"
"Anand is...."
"Mom, i've to pee!"
"...wait no beta, lemme finish..."
"No mom, i think we should go!"
"..we just came na, lets stay for a while"
"Crap! please kill me!"
Truth Check: If i hadn't stopped her, i would be writing another comment about me being gay here!

This went on and on, and then like Batman and Superman, our dads came from the other room! "Thank you! Thank you so much!" Ab the subject of discussion changed from "Me and MsPinky" to "MrsRagini and her Lover!" How? Dont ask me that, i was too busy, burying my head in the sand, to notice! Now MrsRagini was our neighbour and was notoriously famous. And, i think i should just stop now, before i write something that might get my bottom in trouble! This might be an abrupt ending, but i might just write what happened next, someday, so keep praying!

Thank you.

Anand

Ps: Oh yeah, I'm not really gay.

Ps: MrsRagini isn't her real name, neither is Pinky! So stop guessing who they are!

...and my Rangeela car!

What makes people chose stuff? Like how do can a person decide what he wants when he's provided with a plethora of choices? Like when you go to a fancy restaurant, how do you know whether you want the lobster or the chicken or tofu! Yech! i hate tofu! But even before that, how do you decide which hotel to go to in the first place? Its the same with cars! No matter how knowledgeable you or your peers are in the matter of stuff with wheels, you always seem to end up with the wrong car! Take the celebs for instance, they know all the people in the world, but when it comes to buying cars, they are about as daft as Hansa and Praful! ABs have massive Lexus SUV's which are about as practical on Mumbai roads as Hair on Anupam Kher's head! MrHrithik'Akbar-Rohit-Krrish'Roshan has a porsche cayenne, which are about as pretty as a hippo's bottom! And international celebs don't stay back either! A certain Mr Leo-Di-Cap has 3 Toyota prius'es! And those cars are about as good on the roads as i am , on a stage, dancing, while juggling 3 pick-axes, in front of the President, while making a painting of Michael Jackson, with my feet, while dodging knives, thrown by a blind man! And even if somehow by some miracle, people do chose the right car, its never of the right color! People usually go tri-chromatic when buying cars! White cars are for people who are trying to compensate for not having a Bai to keep their clothes clean! Silver cars are bought by people who say they hate Rakhi Sawant, but still know the names of all the suitors on Rakhi ka swayamwar! And black cars are bought by people who join a gym, go there the first day, run on the treadmill for 6 minutes, stand in front of the mirror for 15, flexing their muscles, go home and never come back again! Now some people experiment, Pink cars are bought by guys who look at their cousins and go "hmmmm!", then they go off to get their nails done! Guys who buy blue cars are usually the dudes who cried after they kissed for the first time! People who buy yellow cars, no, not just yellow, its usually Baby-Diarrhea-Yellow, are usually the folks who believe that the best movie in the world will be directed by RGV, produced by Mahesh Bhatt, starring KRK as the male lead and Antara Mali as the Female lead, with 'original' music given by Pritam and songs sung by Himesh Reshammiya. Some people also, stray away and buy green vehicles and go for honeymooning to New Delhi and actually go to red fort for 'site seeing!' So, isn't there a color in the world which is appropriate enough to be put on a car?! hmm, well, there's 'Overused blackboard' Gray, which'll make you look like a man with 5 credit cars in the wallet and Nada money in the bank! You also have the Boiled Rhino, magenta, which'll make you look like the kinda guy who sneaks up and scares the dogs, peeing on the tyres! There's also, the 'My-ass-is-on-Fire' Rust, which depicts you as the dude who cheered the loudest when aamir hit a six on the last ball in Lagaan!! there are many more colors in the world, each for a different kind of person. So what your car's color? Shhh!! :D

Anand

Buy Buy Baby!

A lot of people ask me for consumer advice. And i give it, whole-heartedly. But the thing about money is, the less you have it, the more you want to spend it! And that's the biggest problem! You go to the markets and check out something really good, like a watch, stilettos or a sports jacket! Then you dip your left hand into your bottom right pocket to take out your wallet and you open it only to find a couple autographs of the governor of the reserve bank of India worth exactly 10 percent less than have the price of item you're interested in buying! Your handy little credit card is of no use either because you exceeded the credit limit in buying the thing which you did not need but, oh so wanted! So you work harder and you save! You save like a mangy little raccoon saving food for the winter! But then after a quarter of a year, when you go back to the same market, the same corner, the same store, with just the right amount of money, what do you see? Them cost of the illusive 'thing' has gone up, and adding insult to injury is the fact that right next to it is something else, which is 10 times prettier, 20 times more useful and 30 times more expensive! Unless of course if the thing you fell for was a cell phone! You see, cell phones are the reverse indicators of the economy! While the cost of everything in the world escalates, the cost of cell phones goes down like a snowboarder skiing down the alps! The rate of descent increases a trillion times if its YOUR cell phone! and as is the case with every other piece of merchandise in the world, the loss is even greater if it's MINE! My shopping cart is usually like a graveyard of all things crap and worthless. Like my cell for example. It is that 'its not just a phone, its who we are' bullshit. but i wont lie, my phone is brilliant! In fact, it is so astonishingly good that the company stopped producing it after 6 months of introducing it and went on to say NO-KIA. But i kiya'ed! and I'm proud of it, since I'm one of only 3 people in the world who have this cell! One's a guy who adds LOL at the end of every statement and deserved to be smacked at the back of its head! The other's a chick who thinks that the Virani family actually exists and that Ekta Kapoor is a distant cousin of Charles Darwin! My buying sense is so messed up that i could have my own show on the telly, What To Buy And Repent! Now i have a fair bit of knowledge about cars, so you'd think that my dad will have the best car he could afford? Right? Wrong! He has a Civic. Now its a brilliant car, but its just so daft, so boring! and, I hate Hondas! So why did i let him buy it? I don't know, i guess a leprechaun was mating with my right ear when i was telling my dad what to buy! Its the same with my watches, one won't tell me the time and the other one tells me australian standard time, even if i re-calliberate it! My UPS works only when there's power, and my ties match more with my neighbours clothes than mine! So, if you want to buy something, spare yourself the agony of complete depression, and just come and ask me what i'd suggest, so that you could just go ahead and buy something else! Come on come on, try it. What do you want?! :D

Anand

Chicken and Ham!!

So the piggy fever thing is still here! And frankly, I'm sick of it. Not one moment goes by when something or the other doesn't remind you of it. It's like the whole world around you is trying to tell you that you're gna die, but you aint gna go down peacefully, u're gna die wheeze-fully! It just makes me wonder. Every other year, some new disease just pops out of no where. Bird flu, swine flu, airplane flew, Nancy drew, coffee brew and what not! Is there like a secret lab, somewhere near Timbuktu, owned by health care companies, churning out diseases one by one, just so that people keep buying their stuff?! Does it have like workers and scientists and armed guards and what not working to finish developing the new strand of 'ong-balloonza-chlamydia-fooza' where you've to ear muffs to protect your brain from liquefying and leaking outta your nose?! i mean come on, SARS, flu's, even anthrax and other crap! the worst thing is, all these are now stealing the thunder from AIDS. The Human Immuno Virus is just sitting around the porch like a retired actor, because nobody cares for him anymore now! And medicine companies? Well they've just stopped caring! They made one drug and whenever a new disease bobs out, they just change the packaging and push it along! If you've SARS, take Tami flu! If you've Chick flu, take Tami flu! If you've Piglet Flu, take Tami flu! How lazy ass can you be?! i bet, the scientists there are probably enjoying themselves at their new 31 million euro condo in the south of France! think about it, when i was 3 years old and 4 inches tall, there was polio and cancer. Then there was polio, cancer and AIDS. Then there was polio, cancer, AIDS and plague.Then there was polio, cancer, AIDS, plague and SARS. And it went on. What happened to the medicines? The only people lazier than these drug companies are the designers at Porsche who've been making every 911 look the same for 40 years, Indian serial writers where every story is about females and their relationship with elders, and people working for Pritam, who just take an international song, replace the words with 'hindi bhaashaa waale shabd'! It has even taken people's minds off important things! Folks now go, "Screw recession, gimme my N95 mask!" But the thing is, as time goes by our body develops immunity to viruses, or we just learn to live with it! In 20 years Lil boy Johnny is gonna come to the school one day and tell Rita ma'am "Chowee, i cdnt come yesht-uhh-day, my AIDS was acting up!" And the merchandising! how can we forget those! gas masks, caps, aprons, condoms, insurance, helmets! I'm not saying you don't need them, some yo really do, like condoms, which if you don't use, can lead to babies, who grow up, and write blogs! and Insurance? well, we all are gna die someday, but having insurance just makes sure that you die on a cot, later! But its all up to us now, we could panic and surrender, like the french in WW2. Or we could be informed, and fight! Or, you can be staunch, shrewd and stubborn and refuse to wear masks! LIKE ME! :D

Anand

Kyunki mom bhi kabhi saas banegi!!

Its good to be back. Its been so long now, almost three quarters of a month! And so much has changed! Rakhi Sawant got engaged, so did Sania, Piggy Fever has spread its tentacles, RGV released yet another craptastic flick, listening to Michael Jackson has become cool again, Dumbledore has passed away and the sales of sunscreen lotion have hit rock bottom because people now prefer wearing masks instead! But the most important piece of news of the past fortnight is that i moved my base to new place! So no more smiling at Wipro chicks. :( . My mum was against the idea of me moving when i told her that i wanted to, she was like "No no, its a nice place, you'll like it, eventually!" So i thought that i needed to play my trump card, and i did. i told my mum, that there's a quartet of cute young engineers staying above me. Worked like a charm and poof! two days later, i had moved! Its not like my parents don't want me to meet someone nice, na na, they do, but only they want me to do so, when i'm 50! Best is when other people come to my home and start talking about me getting married someday, you should see us then! My family just shifts gears into 'Rajshri mode' then. I just sit and smile while my mum goes on talking about how I've soo much independence and that they'll be fine with whomever i chose to date because in how in their eyes, discrimination based on caste, race and religion is plain wrong! Then they go on talking about how they always ask me to go out and meet people and make new friends, and how i only always say, 'Naa! I'm fine alone!' Then they end it by saying, "We don't know what are gonna do about this boy!" But the real fun, begins, when the people leave and you're cleaning up the mess they've made. My dad shoots the first missile, asks "Weird people they were, no? Asked too many questions, No? Wished they'd talk about something else, No?" Then my mom, the quarterback, get the ball, and tries to throw it for a 70 yard touchdown pass! "Well, they asked quite a lot about you maybe they have someone in mind for you!" The game changes from football to baseball here and I being the perpetual batsman go for the first hit, "Naah, they know I'm wise enough to find somebody for myself!" Oooh, a swing and a miss! Strike one! Dad winds up a curve ball, "You seem darn confident, some thing's brewing, No?!" "Nope!", i say! Strike two! The pitcher changes now, Mom steps in, and its a fast ball! "There are girls where you work right? any friends? any bongs? any delhite?" I try to aim for the press box, "Yep, there are a few girls, 2 in my team in fact!" Awww, galat jawaab! Strike three! You're out! The Stadium goes silent, the batter walks back slowly to the den, knowing what a huge mistake he has made. He wishes he could just go back in time and play it safe, but its too late now. The tiger has tasted blood, he cant run, he cant hide. Slowly the predator follows the prey, cornering him, playing with him. "Is that so? Are they attractive?" "NO!", the rabbit's eyes dart from right to left to right again, hoping to find a way out! The Tiger raises, its right paw, the claws shining in the shimmering sunlight! "They better not be, we don't want you bringing a girl into this house!" The bunny sees a loophole and jumps right in, "Eh! so is it okay if i bring a guy? huh? huh? huh?!" Big mistake! I hoped for laughter but I got lowered eyebrows instead! "You know Vinu got married to his girlfriend and see how good that's working out for him!?" "Is that supposed to be a complex-sarcastic-rhetoric-question? And who the bloody hell is Vinu?" Of course i don't say this out loud. But they sense it,

"Vinu is 'some'guy from 'some'where, who's 'some'how related to you! And he got married, now his parents have no respect and his wife doesn't have a silent mode! So listen to me, and listen well! You can fall for any girl!"

"Whee!", i go.

"But..."

"Damn! whys there always a damn but?!"

She goes on, "she must be a bong..."

"How many bong girls do i know? quite a few, but they're all committed! Damn it!"

"...she can be from Delhi..."

"....yaaayhaaay!..."

"...or kolkata!..."

"...double yaaayhaay!..."

"...but her parents must be based in Kolkata!"

" eh! so the girl doesn't matter?!"

"Shut up and listen!"

"Hey! relax"

"No, and she must be well educated and must know how to cook!"

"How does that matter? i know how to cook and i do it pretty well, thank you! So anymore check boxes that she needs to tick?"

"She must not be foreign returned!"

"you worried about swine flu?"

"And she must have really big, i mean really BIG.."

"please don't say what i think you're gonna say!"

"..intellectual background!"

"phew! but what the devil is that?"

"Not important!"

"Really, then why are you telling me this?!"

"Cuz if you marry someone who we don't approve of, then you'll see!"

"Si, Senora! Now may i leave?!"

"Kay, but stay away from the chicks in your company, or somebody gonna get a hurt real bad!"

"What? Do you know Russell Peters?!"

"Who?!"

"Nobody, just a friend, not important!"

"Does he have a sister? Have you met her? Is she pretty? Do you like her?"

"Aww Bugger!"

Here we go again!

PS: The best part is, I'm not even exaggerating here!

TeeVee or Not TeeVee!

Monsoons are nice no? With every drop, mushy feelings arise in your heart, muddy feelings on the road and fungi feelings on the walls! But there is one thing though, no matter where you are, it always seems to rain when you least want it to! Like when you’re waiting for the bus or when you really really want to go the food court or when you don’t have an umbrella or when you're like me and you think that a man must wear a raincoat if and only if there's a bet involved! And it’s those times when you're walking down the street, when you see HIM too, HIM being the person with the umbrella and you being the one without! But you can’t approach HIM, Noooo you can’t, cz ur apprehensive, that HE might touch you, inappropriately! Worse still, he could be an undercover terrorist! See you can’t trust people anymore, and why's that? Because you don’t talk to people that much. Conversation is the foundation of faith! Then again you need common topics to talk about don’t you?! Now the best topics are the ones you see on the telly! But have you seen the programming these days?! Watching a dog chase its tail better than those! Just think about it...On one channel you have a wanna be taking interviews of other wannabes about how they wannabe her hubby!on another you have over dressed or under dressed or plain undressed neanderthals competing with each other and jumping through hoops because the 2 bald twins told them that that'll give them some dough!..switch to another channel and you meet brides and bhabhis and saasus and bahus and bahujais and betis and nannads and baas who apply a trillion ton of patch work on their faces just so they can prance around, shout about and give the same shot thrice from different angles! eventually you give up hope and 'click' goes the surfer and you see the news piece about how one buffalo in garhwal is attracted to a peafowl and is now asking her to 'break the barriers of the society!' and elope with him! What a load of buffalo dumping! But this wasn’t always so, was it?! Remember the simpler days when every Mondays Byomkesh and Ajit solved the trickiest of the puzzles? How about when you woke up early morning on Sundays so that you could catch The Jungle Book then Potli Baba Ki and then Disney Adventures?! The only source of film songs then were Chitrahaar on Wednesdays, Rangoli on Sunday morning and Super Hit Muquabla at night! Back then, the educational shows used to be like Ank Ajoobe and The Turning Point, which always did a triple jump over my head and bounced away! Every monkey was named Rancho and Arun Govil was a bigger celebrity than David Beckham! 'Thank you shaktiman' and 'sorry shaktiman' were essential in every kid’s vocabulary! When you had a crush on the cute girl who presented Phulwari Bachchon ki and you were like so totally jealous of the damn clown! Staying up till 10 to watch surabhi on Sundays was a habit since your dad wanted to hear Prannoy Roy prattling on about the news on the World This Week! When your favorite episode was either The Thesis episode of Flop show where Jaspal Bhatti wants to get his saali married to his student who then goes on to teach her how to ride a scooter, or that Zabaan Sambhalke episode where the anna and the praaji compete for the air hostess's kiss, or that episode in Dekh bhai Dekh where Shilpa leaves Sanju for Saahil, Shekhar chachu bets on horses, bade chachu snores and that under-wear dude sings 'Lolly Lolly, Sunday morning!' Or how waited for the Friday to come just so that you could see the Burning train on DD1! So you see what I mean don’t you? The reason why you got wet today morning is because you have too many channels on your telly! Ditch that DTH and go back to good old antenna! Bring Metro back you govt babus! And Long Live DD1!

Anand

an AD MAD world this be, matey!

Everyone has a dream job! Everybody wants to be somebody when they are nobody!...No that's not right, some even dream about having that perfect job after getting a job!...the dream just sorta lives on! its just keeps bubbling inside, waiting for that one chance to burst out!...that chance can be anything, you know...an opportunity...retirement...'fire'ment...recession and all! I want to be a cheese maker, you know! Zamorano.... Bleu de Gex... Castellano... Creme Fraiche... Fontainebleu.... these are what i wanna make! It is kinda practical!...and somewhat challenging too!...But people don't picture me as a wanna be cheese monger!...No!...People from my school wanted me to be a doctor...people from my workspace want me to be silent....people from my college want me to be dead...and people from my society think i should be in advertising. Hmm..i asked them, why?...they said I've a messed up mind...maybe i could get more bucks for its bang!..but then how is it different from what we do everyday?!..yes!...you cant prove me wrong here...We've all been in advertising all our lives....and we've all been successful, most of the times!...I'll give you my example then...in reverse chronological order....First meeting with my PM...Advertising!...had to show him a trailer of my, ahem, GENIUS!...first meeting with my neighbor....Advertising!...had to put across that I'm not someone, you go with, to a bar!...First meeting with the estate agent...Advertising!...had to show him that i can not afford the rent so that the douche would bring it down!....First meeting with the one, the other one, the third one and the perfect one....Advertising!...had to prove that I'm not a jock, not a jackass, not a snob and not a dingus, respectively!...First meeting with the chief warden...Advertising!...Had to show that, yes i did need to keep my laptop with me!...First meeting with the best buddy....advertising!...had to show her that even though i pretend to listen when other's are talking, but when she's saying something i really listen...or i try to!...First meeting with the principal...Advertising!...had to get him to not shove me in with the special wing kiddies!...First meeting with grandpa!...Advertising!...had to promote myself as a 'better product' than my cousins!...and this is what I'm guessing, first meeting with my dad...again Advertising!...had to 'show him' that i was in fact a boy and that how "Shikha" shouldn't quite be my name!....and now my first ad!...when i met my mom....had to show that i was worth the 8 hour labour!..umm...so there you go then!...we're all into show-business!!...some of us just haven't realized it yet!...but don't worry if you haven't...would drive you to the brinks of being paranoid!...just look at what this has done to me!...

Anand

Boy, Oh Boy....!!

Now the most important 'day-old' news in the world! Pay attention you, this will change the world. Genetic scientists at the University of Goettingen in Germany have produced 65 mouse fetuses using sperm that was grown from embryonic stem cells. Do you know what this means??? This means that, it is probable that in the near future, they could take early germ cells from one woman, turn them into sperm cells, and use those to fertilise the egg of another woman. and and that's not all. Anytime now we can have Male Eggs and Female Sperms! Now correct me if I'm wrong, but wont that make half the world's population REDUNDANT?! where, by the way, half the population is ALL THE MEN! biologically speaking,what use are we males?! We dont get pregnant, We cant go into Labour, We wont give birth, except of course if u're a certain Mr.Thomas Beatie, but then he was a trans-gendered male wasn't he? So this thing, pretty much, will make our existence, completely pointless! Now I'm not being paranoid here, but see, natural selection works n one way, and one way only, if u need it, you'll have it, if you don't, you wont! Look at what happened to the Caspian Tigers, the Woolly Rhinoceros, the Quagga! eeesssh! I mean if this world were to like the Human Body, Men would end up as the appendix! We need some WMD's now! Worldwide Male Defence!! Someone phone the Animal Rights Activists and tell them about this catastrophe! Call up the WWF and ask them to add us to their Endangered Species List! We need all the help we can get! Men, all over the world, shut up and step up, for this might be your last chance! Think about your sons and grandsons! Do you want them to grow up in a world where men are kept in sanctuaries and museums and are paraded on animal planet, to 'raise awareness'? Of course you don't! So start cleaning up your act, cuz if we keep acting like jerks, its not soon before long that we'll be tossed out on the streets as ageing pets! Giddy Up!! Get to work!!

Anand

ps: this is what happens when i stay still for long, i start talking nonsense!

pps: I understand if you dont want to be friends with me anymore, its apt! Just what i deserve!

ppps: didja see,? didja see? i dint use any '....'s today! Sucks, doesn't it?!

pppps: Hey this is a new record, 4 post scripts!

ppppps: Well, this is the last one, i promise!

pppppps: i Lied!

ppppppps: Jeez! so many P's!

pppppppps: :P

to each his own...

Have you seen Hitman?...in it, Timothy Olyphant asks the agent..."How does a good man know when to kill?"....wel! i have a similar question, just not as intense...."How does a good man know when to leave his seat for somebody else?!"...oh! stop laughing now, i am a moderately good man!...anyway here's the deal...i'm not religious...i do not believe in the existence of a higher power....what i do believe in, is the power of probability and permutation and combinations!...also, i don't have any faith in karma!...i think, you must do what like, what your intellect and conscience tells you to!...and more often than not, they'll tell you to put smiles on other people's faces...so that is what i try to do...mostly...you might remember about the time i did that experiment which involved doing favours for men and women...about how i left my seat for this girl who was late coming to the bus...yeah!...so, well, it was raining yesterday, alright, so obviously the bus was packed like the backpack of a 12 year old!...as it was about to move, 3 people just jumped in!...and as the bus rolled, they just stood there, shivering in the cold, with barely enough place to stand comfortably!...as i sat smugly in my seat, i saw them, one girl looked like a new employee...how do i know that?...cz she was looking so intently at the road that it was obvious that she had recently moved to pune and was probably new to this bus....the second was a man in his mid thirties, partially bald and totally obese with a briefcase, a Tupperware tiffin and an umbrella with a 'u-handle'!...and last was a frail looking lady, newly married, and on the phone...now i had to get up and offer my seat to someone, question was, who deserved it the most?...the girl was shivering her hair clips off in the breeze...the man was pretty much stuck in the aisle and could not possibly itch his nose even if he really really REALLY wanted to...and the lady was constantly losing her balance cz she cdnt reach the overhead beams!..i was in a classic pickle...cz u see, i not only had to choose someone to offer my seat to, but i had to stand there with the other two glaring down my neck and cursing 17 generations of my family!...i looked around...i thought that maybe i'd go with the crowd's opinion and give the seat to the one who was being looked at by the most no. of people...didn't help, nobody was bothered!..either they were too busy trying to dry off their ipods...or were too engrossed in the days gossip about how their teammate was saying sweet-nothing in a PYT"s ear!...made me wonder, that...chivalry was dead, politeness dead-er!...as dads and brother's will agree with me, there's a princess inside every girl...so obviously, i expected a knight in every boy too!...but i guess i was wrong!...douchebags!...nothing more than that...not one single person volunteered...i bet most were thinking 'heck, we paid for a ticket too! if they wanted a seat, they should've come early!"...to people who think like that i show my middle finger with pride!....and if people like those are sitting, i'd rather stand...so i did...i didn't offer my seat to anyone....just got up and moved to the front of the bus...natural selection took its course and the girl sat down merrily!....of course, i turned around to look, the pot bellied man smiled, so did the the woman. the girl too and then she mumbled something, which i guess was like a thank you!...the whole bus was looking at me now...probably thinking why, if i had to give my seat to someone, did i not get up earlier?...but i ask them now, " How does a good man know, when to give up his seat for someone?!"

Anand

ps : if you were on that bus, then shame on you!....you didn't even get up after i did!...

pps: people usually write no offence intended in post like this....but no...i intend offence!

Miles and Miles of Smiles!

...I read this news piece yesterday in the TOI which said that 50percent of all foreigners murdered in the Australia are Indians!...Man!...that's some shocking stuff!...its all because of ignorance!...ignorance about diversity!...well, there are 195 countries in the world!!!...ONE HUNDRED AND NINETY FIVE!...that's some number...and it'll take you mighty long to get to know about even 15percent of them!!...now, i know you'll be full rolling your eyes and all...but think about it...i mean most of us stay in societies right?...sure you know your neighbor but can you confidently say that about all the residents of the society?....scrap that, do you even know all the people living in your building...you know what, scrap that too, do you know one person, at least, from every apartment in your building?...most of you don't!...and that's because...its just too hard...there are just too many different types of people!...now i pretty much stay in the middle of nowhere, alright!...so I'm like courage the cowardly dog!...just one building, surrounded by unending nothingness on all sides!...but people still stay here....and nice people too!!...or so i think!...well, on my right side is a family...of four...two kiddies and their mum and dad...good folks....pretty well behaved...except when the hubby spills orange juice on the carpet and the fair lady just...well..loses it!...her shrill voice....coupled with the indistinguishable indescribable intelligible word delivery makes our poor watchman redundant...cz i bet no thief would ever dare venture into this apartment cz of her monster mouth!!...right next to me are a bunch of bachelors...who, I'm pretty sure are delighted that section 377 has been done away with!...no no...bear with me now!...first of all, they have pink walls!....bright candy fluff pink....their favourite artists are the backstreet boys and the pussycat dolls!..their car smells of jasmines!...and i once saw empty cartons of hair removal creams and fairness creams outside their apartment!...now the apartment above mine...so aptly called the seventh heaven...is occupied by 4 wipro girls!...weird ones...they'd hug you if they need to get something done but then show you the middle finger after they've got their way!!...i mean they came to my room and asked me whether i go to the gym!..i! and gym!...the chances of me ever going to a gym are rarer than the chances of full frontal nudity in the next Disney flick!!...but they're very cute...so...you know! :D ...on the top floor, stays an elderly couple!...retired and very happy!...i mean, the dude (yes! he is a dude!....he was a boxer for god's sake!) is probably the only guy IN THE WORLD who can compete in a joust of crapolicious jokes with me!...and the chick, (again, I've seen the pictures of when they were young and you know, that if Jennifer Hawkins had seen her then, she'd just die of jealousy!!) prepares the best cup cakes ever!...well what i want to say here is, well don't go by what other's tell you!..do not let your perception of others be affected by what you..umm...read in the papers...or watch on the telly..or hear in other's rants!...don't be brainwashed by people who just want to fuel their political motives!..no no!...instead...talk to people!....be friendly....smile!...if they don't smile back!...move on!...smile at the next guy...and the next..and the next!...i mean what is the world anyway?...its just us!....they're only 6 degrees of separation between us and that's about it.....plus it is the best deal!....you'll get what you give...and more!...so start living, start loving!

Anand

:D

Take it easy, u guys!!

Hey Hey!...Goodmorning!...and Happy First of July everybody!!

You might ask what's so special about today?!...well, absolutely nothing!..but still, we celebrate so many festivals on so many days that the other days start to feel neglected!...every morning is like a little baby!...just like how no two babies are the same (pls dont start with the cloning comments!)...no two mornings are similar...! you just have to wait and let them take their own course!...cuz only then can they really attain their full potential!...you shouldn't go ahead and plan every step, man!...that'll erase any and all chances of serendipity and surprise from your day!....now jumping from days to babies, this is what parents dont understand!...i was gonna use the word ALL but i think i'm gna stick with MOST!...now MOST parents do not understand one basic thing...a child has many friends, some more successful then him, some not....now if you DO wanna compare him to someone then why do you always pick the more successful douche?!...dont you know how much pressure it puts on ur 'taara on the zameen'?...we know that all you want is for your child to be good....but dont pressurize him to be the best...that, he'll become himself!....dont keep comparing attributes and nagging the poor soul...ruins his self confidence...i've always thought that if you do need to have a complex, have a superiority complex!...yeah!...look right up at the eyes of a challenge...grab it by the scruff of its neck, give it the old one-two and whoop its ass!...this is ideally what every parent should tell his kid!...dont force him to score 95+!...its not his fault that the newspaper wrote that some many dumbasses got so many marks?!...dont ask him to 'show his talent', everytime a relative comes a knocking!!...face it, we dont always feel like singing or dancing...and frankly its a bit weak!...most of all...dont talk him down in front of others....if you have any issues with him...sort it out with him seperately!...cz otherwise it'll just mess him up!!....also, dont force your child to NOT do something and then go like, "cz, i said so!"...give her proper reason...make her understand...but most of all...dont underestimate ur kid....they might be small and cute but if they're old enough to do stuff like eating with a knife and fork or using the loo properly then they are old enough to make some decisions for themselves!...mind you!...children will need some directions...but they dont need you to drive the whole way...figuratively!....so light up...let that kid breathe!...dont worry!...your his parents...he'll always look to you for inspiration and support....but dont smother him...make him want it...not need it!!

Anand

Love, Life and a whole lotta songs!!

Hey Hey!

Now we all dream, right?....some dreams we remember and some we dont!...but some dreams are different!...they leave a mark on your mind!....those are the dreams which you dont forget even after 10 years!....in fact, you remember them so vividly that you start believing that they were real incidents!...or not, but whatever!...Now the dreams which i remember the most are of two types....Astonishingly Horrific Nightmares and Heart-Touching Mush-mushies!!....the nightmares dont come anymore now, and even if they do come, then my super-ultra-mega-hyper active mnd just twists it into something utterly stupid and meaningless!...like this one-time i had a nightmare about a black and white ghoul who had bat wings and a mosquito like needle-thingy on his face...so he comes over to my window!...and i, nonchalantly, pull the drapes!...so he, being a dumb-ass of a ghost...or the ghost of a dumb-ass...knocks the door....once...twice...thrice...and boom!....i open up a can of whoop-ass on his face...well, not really....i spray him with a canister of Hit, square in the face!!...Now the other dreams, usually come when i meet someone really special...You see i had a huge crush on a girl during my training at mysore....so one night...while coming back from the sdb4 after swiping out...i saw her...she had left her hair open....was wearing a black t and blue jeans...and to put it aptly, my lower jaw was 2 inches from the ground!...she was looking absolutely fantastic!....so of course...she came in my dream that night....and you know what it was?...It was a bollywood movie!....well...actually it was a song from a flick!...i wont write which one, its just too embarrassing...umm...what the hell...it was "mahi ve" from Kal ho naa ho!!...it was brilliant!...i mean i was SRK (yeah, right!)...She was preity (she looked even cuter than zinta, believe you me!)!...Guru was Saif (wayy taller of course!)...and her really tall friend was Jaya Bachchan!...the back-up dancers were again our friends...it had choreography too!....proper pelvic thrusts and everything!and for some reason....a waltz sequence was present in the middle!...very romantic...very filmy....but as it is in the actual song...i go into cardiac arrest and guru gets zinta! (Damn u, man!)...but the thing is...that song pretty much stuck with me as 'her song!'...and this is what happens...i've a song for every girl i've ever had a crush on!...there's mahi ve...khudaya khair....when you say nothing at all...love is all around....yellow....desi girl....when you're looking like that....dhadke jiya....forever...walking away...even the flight of the Icarus!...i'm not blabbering here....if you want to keep all the memories fresh in your heart...then get a song!...they're immensely effective...

Anand

ps: i know this wasn't that funny, but eh..what goes?!

Pummi, Bitto, Pinki te Chachu di Gaddi

Hey hey hey!!

Happy Monday!!!

And now for something completely different! what is that we all have?...what is that we all love?...what is that we all care for?....and what is that we'd do anything for?!...FAMILY!...Love 'em or loathe 'em but you just live without them!...they define you...they mould you...they nurture you...and they...have...a pummi aunty!... every family has her!...if somehow a family doesn't...then there is always a neighbour pummi! so, what does a typical 'pummi aunty' do?! well...she goes abroad!...or just about anywhere else...buys gifts for you....mostly duty free bullshit from the airport...in a way she is like a fatter...more boring...Santa Claus...the only difference being that while Santa gets you toys you actually want...pummi aunty on the other hand just gets you stuff you're too old, too young or too intelligent to use!...if pummi aunty is married then there is a chachu, who doesn't talk much just smiles when you look at him....in a way...he's like the hood ornament of the car...of no use...but the car still needs one!....also...if pummi aunty has a kid...his nickname will be bittoo!...or pinky...if its a girl!....so now what do bittoo and pinky do?...well they pretty much do everything your parents asked you not to do around the house...they jump on sofas....the jump on mattresses...they jump on chairs...they jump on tables....they jump on counters....they are pretty much the kangaroo's of the humankind!...if ever you cant take it anymore then pummy aunty always has the "let it go na....abhi toh bachche hai!" dialogue ready!...mind you, pinky and bittoo can be 17 but they'll still be 'bachche'!....but that's not the most irritating part about Mrs.Pummi ...No No No No!...it is her stories....she has a story for every occasion!...and they are often HUGELY EXAGGERATED!...she's like dumber version of me! :P ...no really!...but the thing is that in my family....i've to play the role of bittoo!...and because of this my relatives have to use plaster of paris to post a smile on their faces before they meet me....and you know what?...i love it!....i just try and stretch the boundaries of their patience as much as i can!...just the expressions on their faces when a vase shatters into a bazzillion pieces because of the crazy ball i was playing with, is absolutely priceless!...i love being the 'family-douche'!...i'm the devil ain't i?...aww..."bura na mano!...abhi toh main bas bachcha hi hoon!" :P

Anand

Bai Bai ki kahani!

hey everyone, how's your morning going?

...if you're frowning abhi, then smile...if you're already smiling...then lets see some more teeth!!...there!...now isnt that better?!... if only it was this easy to be happy all the time!...but it ain't!..its the stress that has made us forget how to smile!...there are so many reasons for stress!...and each reason comes as a trio!...."Too much...bad....and no."... like the top trio is...Too much Work- Bad Work - No Work...then comes relationship... too many lovers....a sadistic lil punk ass 'going nowhere' relationship ...or no honey-bunny at all!...but the one that takes the cake as the no. one cause of stress, the BIG DADDY of all reasons, the 3 words that grind the gears of every bachelor, housewife or dingus....those three words are... KAAM WAALI BAI!... they're like cellphones you know!...everybody needs one, everybody has one and everybody wants a better one!...the thing about your maid is, no matter how much you pay her, too much is never enough...plus...too little work is a massive elephant of a task! But you have to praise one extraordinary quality of theirs....their astonishing peripheral vision!...they can see from any corner of the house whether you're vigilant or not, if you're not then they happily gallivant away just casually waving the broom around as if it has a suction pump which can magically suck up all the dirt without coming into contact with them....they can finish an hours work in 5 minutes...may be less...if ur not watching that is! but what's amazing is that she cant see the big ball of fur, rolling around like tumbleweed, in the hall, but she can spot a fiver below the bed from the drawing room! But you know what just makes things worse?...that douchebag of a neighbor who'll pay less than you but keep the help occupied more than you!...that's just uncool now!...but anyway...no matter how 'atrocious' they might be...u just cant live without them...they've now become an essential part of our lives...like electricity!...so god bless all the baies, aunties, behens, naukranies and maashimaas!!

Anand
ps: please dont tell my bai that i wrote all this... cuz then i'd have to clean the plates myself...

pps: and oh....i almost forgot.....DAMN IT SHINY, WHAT THE HELL?!....WHY WHY WHY WHY?!....

ppps: how many 'but's did i use in the post above?...guess correctly and get a chance to win a date with kantaben!

of balls and bees

heyy heyy! i'm back!..did you miss me?!...of course not me, but all this?!...yes you did!

Now its a fine morning today isnt it?...i like mornings a lot, although I'm not really a happy-sunshine-and-daffodils-fellow, i do like waking up in the morning to feel the fresh breeze. Its such a magical feeling. Every splash of cool air is like a gentle kiss from your loved one. It just acts like a time portal, transporting you back to the time when you were together, everything was perfect and you wanted to just stay in that moment forever. Its like my how my friend put it, "Anybody, who is loved by somebody, is lucky, buddy!"....so true!...as it usually happens to me, that got me a-thinking, what makes us love someone? or better still what gets us attracted to another person?.....i dont really know how the knobs in the girls mind turn but i do have a little idea about us guy's crania! now intelligence, sweetness, sense of humor, physical appearance and pretty eyes and everything toh we all know but there's one very thing which is like the GRAND DAD of all the aforementioned things! and you know what that is?...BALLS!...no i'm not being rude to you here, i'm saying that one 'thing' that gets a guy to feel attracted towards a female, and adds to the 'temperature' of the relationship is girl balls!..now all guys want to be chivalrous and want to treat their girlfriends like a fairy princess but every so often, there'll come a time when the girls needs to show that she has a firm head on her shoulder and can, to put it figuratively, show the middle finger to the world as and when required! It acts like honey to us bears, and i betcha, no guy will ever wanna let you go. here's to you...cheers!

Anand
(relationship counsellor extrodinaire...and grade 7 psycho)

Bum-Chic-Chic-Bum...Chic-Bum-Bum...Bum-Chic-Chic-Bum

Hello everyone!

I'm an Indian, and proud to be one! I indulge in doing typical indian stuff and i have a very prominent indian-ness in my taste. Why wont i?! i like what every indian likes, like cricket, bollywood movies and 'ghar-ka-khaana!' I just love being an indian when india's winning, hrithik's dancing and i'm cooking! And that's why, pls Mr.Roshan buy an IPL team ASAP! there are plenty of team with snazzy names up for the grabs you know! like the Jharkhand Jhumroos, the Gujju Geronimoes, the Kerala Kung-Foo Kings, the Suurma Bhopalies, the Mega Mizo Mayhem! :D It'll be brilliant, just like a mega-multistarrer-blockbuster! just like HUM!...you remember HUM?...that 90's movie with the 'OH-THE-GREATEST-MOVIE-SONG-IN-THE-WORLD!'...yes yess!...Jumma Chumma de de! Jumma Chumma de de Chummaa! Hey!...i just loved that movie...it was the first movie i actually remember watching at a theatre!..the Upahar, in Delhi, which burnt down a few years later...it was like a visual orgasm i'm telling you, just what a good bolly-potboiler should be!....Tiger screaming "Bakhtawar! Gonsalves ko agar kuuch hua toh main tujhe nahin chhodunga"...then that epic "do tarah ke keede" speech by drunk tiger!....and in true Bollywood style...flash forward...sauve'd up shekhar with his family singing 'Ek duusre se, karte hain pyar Hum!'...Govinda beating up Captain Zattack to the beats of "Batman!"...with Rajni pulling out his histronics, with a dollop of panache!...finally, the typical bollywood half-hour-climax-fight-scene!...I'm telling you that movie was as good as movies can get!...nothing ever came close to it...well maybe Sholay is Nadal to Hum's Federer!....but still...in my wimbledon, the FedEx always trounces the Nadman!...chalo, i've to go now and look for my jumma!...

Anand

ps: Arre oh jumma....meri jaanemann....baahar nikal...aaj jumaa hai...aaj ka waada hai!....arre tu boli thi..."pichale jumme ko...agle jumme ko...chumma dungi"...toh aaja...aaja.....aaja aaja aaja aaja...heyyyyy!"

pps:sorry couldnt hold myself back! :D

To Do or Not To Do

Hey!

How're you feeling today?!....i've been feeling great!...all weekend actually!...i've got a crapload of reading done!...mostly stuff on the net....even surveys!...you those survey and researches which do nothing but state the obvious!...one such research said that "men are more likely to do a good deed for a girl than another man?!"...that got me thinking!...why?!....is it because like in a jungle....the alpha male just wants to attract a female by jumping over the hoops for mating purposes and needs to fend off other males, and be especially cruel when he's in a position of advantage?!...maybe!...or is it because of the difference acknowledgement given to the 'doer of the good deed' by the recipient?!...i believe its the latter!...i was in the bus the other day and this girl just jumped in at the last moment...so obviously being an infy bus it had no seats left!...so i got up and offered my seat...the girl smiled and said "No, No, u sit!"...i persisted,"please, i insist!"...she thanked me and gave me the warmest smile ever!...you know the kind where the eye's light up and you know that the person actually means it!..yeah!..made my day, that!...i got off the bus at my stop and went to the confectionery!...bought some goodies and a litre bottle of mazaa!...a gentleman arrived...early 40's i'm guessing!...asked the keeper for some jalebis, sams and mazaa!...keeper said, "sorry we're all out of chilled mazaa, gave the last one to this boy", pointing towards me!...i felt awkward, and a little weird actually, so i offered him the cold drink and settled for a warmer one!...and u know what!...that damn douche didn't even say thank you, let alone pass a smile!...he behaved as if it was his rightful possession and i had done a crime by taking it before he had!...dumbass!!....that settled it then!...it is the reaction that causes boys do favors for girls!....i cant say that i'm surprised!...just a little jaded!...have i been like that douche?...must've!...its innate!!...being a douche is in our Y chromosome just below the gene code for having facial hair and being flatulent!!


Anand

...and here lies bong...

Hey!! :D....

...i love telling stories...i've got a bunch of them too!...one for every occasion...and if i dont have a story, i just make one up!...i'm perfectly decent when it comes to making up stories...part of it is attributed to me being an above-par liar!...Now, you may think that i'm gloating...but i kid you not...I'm a brilliant liar!...Oh yes!....You must be all, "What the hell is wrong with him? is this anything to be proud of??"....but my reply will be YES YESS YESS!...of course it is!...i admit its not exactly something which you can write in ur CV but nonetheless it is quite simply, one of the most important abilities, that a person needs to have....just like how you have to know the right thing at the right time...you also have to be able to tell the right lie at the right instance! There are only 4 things you need to remember when you wanna lie:

Distraction
Preparation
Conviction
Recollection

Distraction: To hide a big lie, tell a small lie first, make sure you get caught for it, and whine about it when you get caught. Everyone will be so proud of their detective ability that they wont be able to see through the curtains!

Preparation: If you're doing something about which you know that you will have to lie one day or the other, keep a lie handy! something which you can shoot out when the moment comes.

Conviction: As said by a great man...Me.....Tell a lie you'd believe yourself! now i could've mentioned imagination too as one of the 'things' but no, sometimes a hyper active imagination can get you into a truck load of trouble!...say only that which you'd fall for if some was was telling it to you!...you need practice for it but once you get the hang of it, you will be quite simply, invincible!

Recollection: This is the most important part of lying! Always remember what you said, for repitition is bane! Couple this with conviction for best results!! :)

There you go then, you're all set to set the streets on fire with your words!


Your's truly
Anand ;)

Sad-Ads!

Hey hey!!
..did you catch the new Reliance GSM ads where Hrithik calls up all his old friends....now the thing is...he is 'supposed' to be calling them after 10 years na?...where did he find all these old no.s??...did he have them already?...or did he go online and search for each of them?....creepy!....and didnt any1 change their no. in a decade?!...weird!....worse is that of Voltas Ac...now okay, i'll give it that it saves electricity, albiet a little...but does it have some sort of magic motor in it which regurgitates current as it consumes more of it and then transports it back across the line...thought the grid...though the air, apparently....and to some poor guy at one corner of the country??...then how the hell is it giving electricity to villages!... blatant douche-baggery i tell you!!

Anand

Broom away my groomsmen!

Heloooo!!..aaaaannd...I've a good news for you....My cousin..very verry verrrry distant cousin...is getting married!...Wheee!!

...umm...well alright, its not exactly good news for you but still, it is a pretty nice piece of news isnt it?!...No i'm not a very milli-chilli-vanilli-family kinda guy....but there are no functions GRANDER than weddings!!...especially if u attend the whole jamboree!....the one day weddings are fun too...but the real smack lies in the multi-days-mega_carnivalistic-

matrimonial-celebrations!! The last time i was lucky enuf to actually be at a wedding, was during the days of Kaho Na Pyaar hai!...but the best things about the ceremony was that, it was in calcutta!...now i being a thoroughbred Delhite never really attended any PROPER bong functions!...So that was my first time...I was a Bong-Celebration-Virgin before it!....I was the youngest in the family so, naturally, special treatment baby! Yeah!....i used to spend the whole day dancing around....gorging around...and chatting around!...in fact, i was a bigger star at the party than the bride and the groom themselves!..but but....as is natural with every big family function...you always get a shock somewhere down the road....its inevitable!...i got one too!...i was asked to sit with the groom while the bride sat with another girl during the whole ceremony!...So...if u think about it...i..in a way...am..sort of...Married!...and that too for 9 years now!...and i havent even seen my bride!...eeeesssshhh!!!

Anand

Live free or Buy hard!!

Brilliant morning today isnt it dear friend?!

...and you know what makes it even better?....Its FRIDAY, baby!!...Yeah!!...there's something else too!...SALARYYY!!!....yes yes!!....today is salary day!!...So what are you gonna do with it this time?...go home?...buy presents?...treat yourself?....indulge?...pay your rent and bills??...Me?...Well!...can't go home, its too far!...who'd i buy presents for?....dont wanna indulge, would rather dance around in shorts at my room, than go to a spa!.....Paid my bills last week so i'm done for the month....so so so??...there's just one thing letf!!...yeah baby!...it's treatin' time!! :D

Anand

Ma! I'm in love!!

Heyy..


...i got this mail two days back...which had this really old cadbury ad...you knw, the one where the girls jumps onto the ground and starts dancing around after the batsman has hit a six!...it was so nice!!...made all the memories of the old ads come rushing back!!...remember the old milk corp. ad...the one which went doodh doodh doodh doodh, wonderful doodh!! :) ...or the ad for bajaj bulbs..."jab main chota bachcha tha, badi shararat karta tha...meri chori pakdi jaati....!....how about the really old Limca ad with, then slim, salman khan!...the bunnies from the lijjat papad ads?!...hehehe!...and that "Saari mein Saari Paraag saari!"...and "Vicco turmeric, nahin cosmetic, vicco turmeric ayurvedic cream!"...that fevicol ad with the bunch of men an elephant and Rajkumar Hirani??..yes yes...that dude who said "Furniture ka Saathi, Jiski nishani hai Haathi!" was the guy who made Munnabhai!!.....but you know, which one was my favorite?..."Yeh Zameen yeh aasma!...humaara kal, humaara aaj!...humaara kal, humaara aaj!...Buland bharat ki buland tasveeeeeeeeeeeer...HUMAAARA BAJAJ! HUMAAARA BAJAJ! HUMAAARA BAJAJ!"

Anand

Ps:..that another dairy milk ad...where amrita rao's wearing the blue saree and doing karvachauth rituals...aah that was so sweet...when i first saw that ad, i went up to my mum and said "i want to marry a girl like her!!"....what happened after that...is well...for you to know another day!! :D

The Jabber of the blabber!

Hey Hey....Gooodmorning!!...Happy Friday!!....

....You know its so weird!!....I started all this "blabber-jabbery" just for fun and now...it's like i cant wait to get cracking on another after i'm done with one....i spend the whole day thinking about what i'm gna write here and when the time comes it all just goes poof!...and i end up writing something entirely different....just here today i was gonna write about how this one incident changed as it passed from one ear to another....but see?....i've ended up writing something completely pointless!...

Anand

ps: its good that i write this when there's no1 around, otherwise it'd be pretty damn weird!....wt to do.....i cant write without emoting!

What Not to do on a weekend!

Hey y'all!!....

...i bet you're all pumped up fr the weekend?...you'll finally get some time to spend with that special someone!....well most of you!...aww...and for all the others...chin up fellas!!...being single is awesome!...plus you'll have so much time with yourself!....more than 50 hours!!...its a blessing i tell you!...you've got time to do so much by urslf!!...go to a crowded place ....i mean really crowded!....find a cafe...get a cuppa....get out of the cafe...find a place to sit with a good view of the folks around, orite....now look!...and make up stories....about them!....about where they came from!....about where they're going!...about how in an astonishingly complicated way they are somehow connected to you!....take my word for it, you'll have a blast!!...i do, every single time!!


Anand

Ps:...Name the characters in ur story....and you needn't K.I.S.S.!!

Pps:...K.I.S.S. -> Keep It Simple, Stupid!

Edible Nirvana!

Gooodmorning Dear Friend!...

...How are you?!...the weekend was a blast wasnt it?!...what did you do?!...i had Cake!...it was a Lemon Poppyseed Cake with Apple Icing!!....i tell you, having something that good makes you forget all your worries!...i mean the first spoonful(...or handful...whichever you prefer!) is the moment when you dont think about anything else...its like in the moment...everything around you ceases to exist...its just you...and your plate of cake...and nothing else!....NIRVANA!...screw obesity!...Gorge away!....when in doubt, nibble out!! :) Have a great week ahead!


Anand

all i want is you....

Hey hey pretty people! how's it going?!

...i figured since its the first day of the week!...todays mails should be about something which give people immense pleasure!...but the problem was i couldn't quite put my finger on that ONE thing which everyone likes!...that was before the small 40W bulb over my head started glowing!...now i know!...its FOOD!...every1 likes a good plateful!..everybody has that one dish which he/she cant refuse!...i have something like that!..and you know what's funny..?..i'm an out and out "chicky-tarian!"..i can eat anything with chicken in it...so you'd, naturally, imagine my fav dish to be non vegan!...but HA HA!...it isnt..i mean i like it...i crave for it...but its but it fills your heart efore it fills your stomach!...no no..the fav dish shd be something which you'd long for...every single day!...i have such a thing...its vegan...and it came from a dhaba...Last year i was driving back from Chandigarh to Delhi...and i found it...my one true love...rajma chawal!....with a dollop of desi ghee on top!....aah!...nothing even comes close!!

Anand

Ps: yeah yeah! i know! My children are gonna be FAT!

The parting of Noses!

Hey there dear friend!...

...How are you feeling today?!...aww come on, its morning!....Smile!....think about something which left a pleasant little mark in your head!...like a birthday!....yeah!...Your Birthday!...think about the first time you ever cut a cake!...well i'm sure you cant go back that far...but try and remember the earliest one!...what was that like?...i remember one such birthday!...it was the early 90's...the times of marutis and bajajs on the roads!...Uncle chips and Ruffles!....Campa cola and GoldSpot!...100% and kwality icecreams!...yeah those were the times!...that year my birthday fell on a sunday!....i cut my cake!...and had most of it myself...Thank god for DD and Ramayan!....people couldnt wait go back and watch Laxman cut Surpanakha's nose!...

Anand