Emotional Atyachar

Aaj bas mazaak ka mann nahin hai,
Khule aasman mein, ghataa ki parchai hai.
Dil ki chaddaron mein, ab silwatein bhi ban aayi hai,
Kal Subah jo thi, ab shaam hone ko aayi.
Aaj bas mazaak ka mann nahin hai.

Mann ke gubbarein, itne jo fulaaye the,
Binaa bandishon ke, baaghon mein bhi mandraye the.
Dekh ke mujhe aaj tumhara ruuthna hi toh sahi hai,
inn aansooun mein chipi si hansi bhi toh kahin hai.
Aaj bas mazaak ka mann nahin hai.

Phele hum lekhak the, kavi aaj ban paaye hain,
Kal the hum akele, aaj phir sabse mil paaye hain.
Raston mein mere, saath jo chalaa karte the,
Unhe dhundti aankhen aaj namm si ban aayi hai.
Aaj bas mazaak ka mann nahin hai.

Gulaabi the sapne, lal hare aur neele,
Hote the kitne, aam woh rasiile.
Aaj cycle ki hawaa zaraa 'phiss' si ho aayi hai,
Zindagi ne apni ab pthesis bhi likhwaayi hai.
Aaj bas mazaak ka mann nahin hai.

Baarisho mein bheegna, kabhi aadat bhi thi
Raaton ko sone mein raahat bhi thi.
Ab neend bhi kahin, guum si ho aayi hai,
Ab kaanton se bhi kya kissi ke dil ne thand paayi hai?
Aaj bas mazaak ka mann nahin hai.

Par yeh kya, aaj yeh saamne kaun aayi hai?
Jhat se apni hansi se, mere dil mein aa samaai hai.
Panktiyaan hi kya, inke liye toh puuri kahani hi likhwayi hai.
Life ki badnaseeb lawn mein, aaj gardening bhi karwayi hai
Shaayad aaj bas mazaak ka mann hi sahi hai.

Har ball pe chakke, har shot pe goal dunga
Pappu ho ya pappita, aajtoh sabko hansa lunga.
Bahut hua rona dhona, ab time sahi hai hansne ka,
Itna boloon, ke log bole, "Bhai, aur kaam nahin koi karne ka?"
Shaayad aaj bas mazaak ka mann hi sahi hai.

Dekho mujhe, khush kitna hoon main aaj
Dancing dancing i go, without caring for this samaaj
i think i've got to go pee, bahut zor se ab aayi hai
padho yeh zara dhyaan se, bade paagal ki likhai hai
Shaayad aaj bas mazaak ka mann hi sahi hai.

Natkhat si muskan unki, mere dil ko chuu leti hai,
Meri bakwaas se unhe hansi bhi bahut aati hai.
Life ke canvas pe, nayi painting banwayi hai
bachke raho zaraa, mentally retarded yeh sipahi hai
Shaayad aaj bas mazaak ka mann hi sahi hai.

Saxophone, trumpet, piano, dhol nagade,
naache mere aaj saare dost, sahana to bagade
woh, life without life mein, life waapas laayi hai
starting thi poem, ab rap pe ending aayi hai
Shaayad aaj bas mazaak ka mann hi sahi hai.


Bahut hua aajke liye, ab kaam pe lag jao
phut phut, shoo shoo, ab jaldi se bhaag jao
"I'm out of words", ab yeh kehne pe ban hai
"How jobless are you?" ka context bhi toh fine hai
Shaayad aaj bas mazaak ka mann hi sahi hai.

Anand

Main Aur MsPinky

Ever since you were a kid, whenever something bad happened, an irritating pie-head would come and tell you "Aww, but look at the silver lining!" Screw that! There's never 'always a silver lining'...no! But the reverse is always true! Cuz whenever something good happens, something bad just about to happen. You always get bird shit on your face on the sunniest of the days! Right?! Yes!

We've all been on play dates right? when you were kids, your folks would take you to someone else's house to play with their kids! Sounds pretty simple, with potential for good clean fun! Unfortunately, my family was a late bloomer, in the the field of play dates. My first play date was when i was fifteen! And it was a DISASTER! Now the good part was that the other kid was a cute girl, the bad part, was that our parents came with us! Mom had warned me to keep my mouth to myself. You filthy animal, its didn't mean what you think it did, it meant that i had to basically shut up! It started off pretty well, actually. Introductions and everything. Then the lady was like "This is my daughter, Pinky, wearing a pink frock, her room's also pink, she loves pink you see!" i had the expression of WTF on the face, but she was pretty so it didn't bother me! Then the fist bomb exploded, with full isshtyle i offered a handshake as a gesture of greeting, and with full lowered eyebrows, my mom gave me a look of "Ghar chalo, batati hoon tumhe!" Gradually, the temperatures hit the floor and we all sat down.
Now, what happens when 2 parents meet? They talk about their kids! No, they brag about their kids! They start competing with each other and neither wants to be outdone.

First serve, Pinky's Mom,"Our Pinky is very talented, she has won all the Singing competitions at her school! Does Anand sing too?"
Mom with a backhanded return "He has been singing all his life, in fact he took classical training too! He has the voice, as fresh as morning dew on a march morning"
Truth check: I sound like a coughing crow when i sing and if watching Phillips top ten and MTV most wanted is training then, Yes, i am a trained singer! In fact i can make cattle pregnant with my voice!

Mom continued, "He's also a brilliant cook you know, he can cook all kinda crap from all other kinda crap!"
Mummy Pinky replied "She can bake a mean cake too, just give her some flour and sugar and she'll bake the hell out!"

Truth check: Pinky was the kind of cook, who thought that the best way to make a milkshake was to feed some strawberries to a cow before asking her to ride a rollercoaster! She was as close to being a regular Sanjeev Kapoor or a Nigella Lawson as I am to being a Priyanka Chopra or an Olga Kurylenko!

"Pinky plays the guitar!"
"Bong plays the Piano!"
Truth Check: Lets just say that if i were to play the piano, it would sound like a dog with scurvy is trying to serenade a khujli waali kutiya!

"Pinky's brilliant in biology!"
"Anand sleeps with his laptop!"
Truth check: WHAT THE FUCK?! I do what now?! Couldn't you just say that i was GAY?! It would've been much less embarrassing!

"Pinky paints like Michaelangelo! She can draw anyone's portrait in a minute!"
"Anand paints Michaelangelo!"
"the Michaelangelo? the Painter?"
Truth check: The Michaelangelo, the teenage mutant ninja turtle!

"pinky came second in her standard at her school"
"Anand came first! and had hundred percent attendance!"
Truth Check: Who are we takling about again?

"This last year we went to Penang for a holiday, and an AD agency spotted her!"
"Anand came on the Tv once!"
Truth check: Yes, I was the Monkey Man!

"Pinky tells us everything!"
"Anand doesn't lie to us!"
Truth check: ha ha! ;P

"Pinky has a boyfriend, He's in her class, very smart and from a good family, he is!"
"Bong one too!"
i was like "WHAT?!"
"girlfriend i mean!"
Truth Check: After that "sleeping with the Laptop" line, they probably think i've got the hots for frodo anyway!

"Pinky is a brilliant runner, she won medals in the 1500m race in the last sports day!"
"Anand swims like an Olympic swimmer!"
Truth check: Olympic swimmers are also gay!

"Our pinky is totally mad after the that band, backstreet boys!"
"Anand is...."
"Mom, i've to pee!"
"...wait no beta, lemme finish..."
"No mom, i think we should go!"
"..we just came na, lets stay for a while"
"Crap! please kill me!"
Truth Check: If i hadn't stopped her, i would be writing another comment about me being gay here!

This went on and on, and then like Batman and Superman, our dads came from the other room! "Thank you! Thank you so much!" Ab the subject of discussion changed from "Me and MsPinky" to "MrsRagini and her Lover!" How? Dont ask me that, i was too busy, burying my head in the sand, to notice! Now MrsRagini was our neighbour and was notoriously famous. And, i think i should just stop now, before i write something that might get my bottom in trouble! This might be an abrupt ending, but i might just write what happened next, someday, so keep praying!

Thank you.

Anand

Ps: Oh yeah, I'm not really gay.

Ps: MrsRagini isn't her real name, neither is Pinky! So stop guessing who they are!

...and my Rangeela car!

What makes people chose stuff? Like how do can a person decide what he wants when he's provided with a plethora of choices? Like when you go to a fancy restaurant, how do you know whether you want the lobster or the chicken or tofu! Yech! i hate tofu! But even before that, how do you decide which hotel to go to in the first place? Its the same with cars! No matter how knowledgeable you or your peers are in the matter of stuff with wheels, you always seem to end up with the wrong car! Take the celebs for instance, they know all the people in the world, but when it comes to buying cars, they are about as daft as Hansa and Praful! ABs have massive Lexus SUV's which are about as practical on Mumbai roads as Hair on Anupam Kher's head! MrHrithik'Akbar-Rohit-Krrish'Roshan has a porsche cayenne, which are about as pretty as a hippo's bottom! And international celebs don't stay back either! A certain Mr Leo-Di-Cap has 3 Toyota prius'es! And those cars are about as good on the roads as i am , on a stage, dancing, while juggling 3 pick-axes, in front of the President, while making a painting of Michael Jackson, with my feet, while dodging knives, thrown by a blind man! And even if somehow by some miracle, people do chose the right car, its never of the right color! People usually go tri-chromatic when buying cars! White cars are for people who are trying to compensate for not having a Bai to keep their clothes clean! Silver cars are bought by people who say they hate Rakhi Sawant, but still know the names of all the suitors on Rakhi ka swayamwar! And black cars are bought by people who join a gym, go there the first day, run on the treadmill for 6 minutes, stand in front of the mirror for 15, flexing their muscles, go home and never come back again! Now some people experiment, Pink cars are bought by guys who look at their cousins and go "hmmmm!", then they go off to get their nails done! Guys who buy blue cars are usually the dudes who cried after they kissed for the first time! People who buy yellow cars, no, not just yellow, its usually Baby-Diarrhea-Yellow, are usually the folks who believe that the best movie in the world will be directed by RGV, produced by Mahesh Bhatt, starring KRK as the male lead and Antara Mali as the Female lead, with 'original' music given by Pritam and songs sung by Himesh Reshammiya. Some people also, stray away and buy green vehicles and go for honeymooning to New Delhi and actually go to red fort for 'site seeing!' So, isn't there a color in the world which is appropriate enough to be put on a car?! hmm, well, there's 'Overused blackboard' Gray, which'll make you look like a man with 5 credit cars in the wallet and Nada money in the bank! You also have the Boiled Rhino, magenta, which'll make you look like the kinda guy who sneaks up and scares the dogs, peeing on the tyres! There's also, the 'My-ass-is-on-Fire' Rust, which depicts you as the dude who cheered the loudest when aamir hit a six on the last ball in Lagaan!! there are many more colors in the world, each for a different kind of person. So what your car's color? Shhh!! :D

Anand

Buy Buy Baby!

A lot of people ask me for consumer advice. And i give it, whole-heartedly. But the thing about money is, the less you have it, the more you want to spend it! And that's the biggest problem! You go to the markets and check out something really good, like a watch, stilettos or a sports jacket! Then you dip your left hand into your bottom right pocket to take out your wallet and you open it only to find a couple autographs of the governor of the reserve bank of India worth exactly 10 percent less than have the price of item you're interested in buying! Your handy little credit card is of no use either because you exceeded the credit limit in buying the thing which you did not need but, oh so wanted! So you work harder and you save! You save like a mangy little raccoon saving food for the winter! But then after a quarter of a year, when you go back to the same market, the same corner, the same store, with just the right amount of money, what do you see? Them cost of the illusive 'thing' has gone up, and adding insult to injury is the fact that right next to it is something else, which is 10 times prettier, 20 times more useful and 30 times more expensive! Unless of course if the thing you fell for was a cell phone! You see, cell phones are the reverse indicators of the economy! While the cost of everything in the world escalates, the cost of cell phones goes down like a snowboarder skiing down the alps! The rate of descent increases a trillion times if its YOUR cell phone! and as is the case with every other piece of merchandise in the world, the loss is even greater if it's MINE! My shopping cart is usually like a graveyard of all things crap and worthless. Like my cell for example. It is that 'its not just a phone, its who we are' bullshit. but i wont lie, my phone is brilliant! In fact, it is so astonishingly good that the company stopped producing it after 6 months of introducing it and went on to say NO-KIA. But i kiya'ed! and I'm proud of it, since I'm one of only 3 people in the world who have this cell! One's a guy who adds LOL at the end of every statement and deserved to be smacked at the back of its head! The other's a chick who thinks that the Virani family actually exists and that Ekta Kapoor is a distant cousin of Charles Darwin! My buying sense is so messed up that i could have my own show on the telly, What To Buy And Repent! Now i have a fair bit of knowledge about cars, so you'd think that my dad will have the best car he could afford? Right? Wrong! He has a Civic. Now its a brilliant car, but its just so daft, so boring! and, I hate Hondas! So why did i let him buy it? I don't know, i guess a leprechaun was mating with my right ear when i was telling my dad what to buy! Its the same with my watches, one won't tell me the time and the other one tells me australian standard time, even if i re-calliberate it! My UPS works only when there's power, and my ties match more with my neighbours clothes than mine! So, if you want to buy something, spare yourself the agony of complete depression, and just come and ask me what i'd suggest, so that you could just go ahead and buy something else! Come on come on, try it. What do you want?! :D

Anand

Chicken and Ham!!

So the piggy fever thing is still here! And frankly, I'm sick of it. Not one moment goes by when something or the other doesn't remind you of it. It's like the whole world around you is trying to tell you that you're gna die, but you aint gna go down peacefully, u're gna die wheeze-fully! It just makes me wonder. Every other year, some new disease just pops out of no where. Bird flu, swine flu, airplane flew, Nancy drew, coffee brew and what not! Is there like a secret lab, somewhere near Timbuktu, owned by health care companies, churning out diseases one by one, just so that people keep buying their stuff?! Does it have like workers and scientists and armed guards and what not working to finish developing the new strand of 'ong-balloonza-chlamydia-fooza' where you've to ear muffs to protect your brain from liquefying and leaking outta your nose?! i mean come on, SARS, flu's, even anthrax and other crap! the worst thing is, all these are now stealing the thunder from AIDS. The Human Immuno Virus is just sitting around the porch like a retired actor, because nobody cares for him anymore now! And medicine companies? Well they've just stopped caring! They made one drug and whenever a new disease bobs out, they just change the packaging and push it along! If you've SARS, take Tami flu! If you've Chick flu, take Tami flu! If you've Piglet Flu, take Tami flu! How lazy ass can you be?! i bet, the scientists there are probably enjoying themselves at their new 31 million euro condo in the south of France! think about it, when i was 3 years old and 4 inches tall, there was polio and cancer. Then there was polio, cancer and AIDS. Then there was polio, cancer, AIDS and plague.Then there was polio, cancer, AIDS, plague and SARS. And it went on. What happened to the medicines? The only people lazier than these drug companies are the designers at Porsche who've been making every 911 look the same for 40 years, Indian serial writers where every story is about females and their relationship with elders, and people working for Pritam, who just take an international song, replace the words with 'hindi bhaashaa waale shabd'! It has even taken people's minds off important things! Folks now go, "Screw recession, gimme my N95 mask!" But the thing is, as time goes by our body develops immunity to viruses, or we just learn to live with it! In 20 years Lil boy Johnny is gonna come to the school one day and tell Rita ma'am "Chowee, i cdnt come yesht-uhh-day, my AIDS was acting up!" And the merchandising! how can we forget those! gas masks, caps, aprons, condoms, insurance, helmets! I'm not saying you don't need them, some yo really do, like condoms, which if you don't use, can lead to babies, who grow up, and write blogs! and Insurance? well, we all are gna die someday, but having insurance just makes sure that you die on a cot, later! But its all up to us now, we could panic and surrender, like the french in WW2. Or we could be informed, and fight! Or, you can be staunch, shrewd and stubborn and refuse to wear masks! LIKE ME! :D

Anand

Kyunki mom bhi kabhi saas banegi!!

Its good to be back. Its been so long now, almost three quarters of a month! And so much has changed! Rakhi Sawant got engaged, so did Sania, Piggy Fever has spread its tentacles, RGV released yet another craptastic flick, listening to Michael Jackson has become cool again, Dumbledore has passed away and the sales of sunscreen lotion have hit rock bottom because people now prefer wearing masks instead! But the most important piece of news of the past fortnight is that i moved my base to new place! So no more smiling at Wipro chicks. :( . My mum was against the idea of me moving when i told her that i wanted to, she was like "No no, its a nice place, you'll like it, eventually!" So i thought that i needed to play my trump card, and i did. i told my mum, that there's a quartet of cute young engineers staying above me. Worked like a charm and poof! two days later, i had moved! Its not like my parents don't want me to meet someone nice, na na, they do, but only they want me to do so, when i'm 50! Best is when other people come to my home and start talking about me getting married someday, you should see us then! My family just shifts gears into 'Rajshri mode' then. I just sit and smile while my mum goes on talking about how I've soo much independence and that they'll be fine with whomever i chose to date because in how in their eyes, discrimination based on caste, race and religion is plain wrong! Then they go on talking about how they always ask me to go out and meet people and make new friends, and how i only always say, 'Naa! I'm fine alone!' Then they end it by saying, "We don't know what are gonna do about this boy!" But the real fun, begins, when the people leave and you're cleaning up the mess they've made. My dad shoots the first missile, asks "Weird people they were, no? Asked too many questions, No? Wished they'd talk about something else, No?" Then my mom, the quarterback, get the ball, and tries to throw it for a 70 yard touchdown pass! "Well, they asked quite a lot about you maybe they have someone in mind for you!" The game changes from football to baseball here and I being the perpetual batsman go for the first hit, "Naah, they know I'm wise enough to find somebody for myself!" Oooh, a swing and a miss! Strike one! Dad winds up a curve ball, "You seem darn confident, some thing's brewing, No?!" "Nope!", i say! Strike two! The pitcher changes now, Mom steps in, and its a fast ball! "There are girls where you work right? any friends? any bongs? any delhite?" I try to aim for the press box, "Yep, there are a few girls, 2 in my team in fact!" Awww, galat jawaab! Strike three! You're out! The Stadium goes silent, the batter walks back slowly to the den, knowing what a huge mistake he has made. He wishes he could just go back in time and play it safe, but its too late now. The tiger has tasted blood, he cant run, he cant hide. Slowly the predator follows the prey, cornering him, playing with him. "Is that so? Are they attractive?" "NO!", the rabbit's eyes dart from right to left to right again, hoping to find a way out! The Tiger raises, its right paw, the claws shining in the shimmering sunlight! "They better not be, we don't want you bringing a girl into this house!" The bunny sees a loophole and jumps right in, "Eh! so is it okay if i bring a guy? huh? huh? huh?!" Big mistake! I hoped for laughter but I got lowered eyebrows instead! "You know Vinu got married to his girlfriend and see how good that's working out for him!?" "Is that supposed to be a complex-sarcastic-rhetoric-question? And who the bloody hell is Vinu?" Of course i don't say this out loud. But they sense it,

"Vinu is 'some'guy from 'some'where, who's 'some'how related to you! And he got married, now his parents have no respect and his wife doesn't have a silent mode! So listen to me, and listen well! You can fall for any girl!"

"Whee!", i go.

"But..."

"Damn! whys there always a damn but?!"

She goes on, "she must be a bong..."

"How many bong girls do i know? quite a few, but they're all committed! Damn it!"

"...she can be from Delhi..."

"....yaaayhaaay!..."

"...or kolkata!..."

"...double yaaayhaay!..."

"...but her parents must be based in Kolkata!"

" eh! so the girl doesn't matter?!"

"Shut up and listen!"

"Hey! relax"

"No, and she must be well educated and must know how to cook!"

"How does that matter? i know how to cook and i do it pretty well, thank you! So anymore check boxes that she needs to tick?"

"She must not be foreign returned!"

"you worried about swine flu?"

"And she must have really big, i mean really BIG.."

"please don't say what i think you're gonna say!"

"..intellectual background!"

"phew! but what the devil is that?"

"Not important!"

"Really, then why are you telling me this?!"

"Cuz if you marry someone who we don't approve of, then you'll see!"

"Si, Senora! Now may i leave?!"

"Kay, but stay away from the chicks in your company, or somebody gonna get a hurt real bad!"

"What? Do you know Russell Peters?!"

"Who?!"

"Nobody, just a friend, not important!"

"Does he have a sister? Have you met her? Is she pretty? Do you like her?"

"Aww Bugger!"

Here we go again!

PS: The best part is, I'm not even exaggerating here!

TeeVee or Not TeeVee!

Monsoons are nice no? With every drop, mushy feelings arise in your heart, muddy feelings on the road and fungi feelings on the walls! But there is one thing though, no matter where you are, it always seems to rain when you least want it to! Like when you’re waiting for the bus or when you really really want to go the food court or when you don’t have an umbrella or when you're like me and you think that a man must wear a raincoat if and only if there's a bet involved! And it’s those times when you're walking down the street, when you see HIM too, HIM being the person with the umbrella and you being the one without! But you can’t approach HIM, Noooo you can’t, cz ur apprehensive, that HE might touch you, inappropriately! Worse still, he could be an undercover terrorist! See you can’t trust people anymore, and why's that? Because you don’t talk to people that much. Conversation is the foundation of faith! Then again you need common topics to talk about don’t you?! Now the best topics are the ones you see on the telly! But have you seen the programming these days?! Watching a dog chase its tail better than those! Just think about it...On one channel you have a wanna be taking interviews of other wannabes about how they wannabe her hubby!on another you have over dressed or under dressed or plain undressed neanderthals competing with each other and jumping through hoops because the 2 bald twins told them that that'll give them some dough!..switch to another channel and you meet brides and bhabhis and saasus and bahus and bahujais and betis and nannads and baas who apply a trillion ton of patch work on their faces just so they can prance around, shout about and give the same shot thrice from different angles! eventually you give up hope and 'click' goes the surfer and you see the news piece about how one buffalo in garhwal is attracted to a peafowl and is now asking her to 'break the barriers of the society!' and elope with him! What a load of buffalo dumping! But this wasn’t always so, was it?! Remember the simpler days when every Mondays Byomkesh and Ajit solved the trickiest of the puzzles? How about when you woke up early morning on Sundays so that you could catch The Jungle Book then Potli Baba Ki and then Disney Adventures?! The only source of film songs then were Chitrahaar on Wednesdays, Rangoli on Sunday morning and Super Hit Muquabla at night! Back then, the educational shows used to be like Ank Ajoobe and The Turning Point, which always did a triple jump over my head and bounced away! Every monkey was named Rancho and Arun Govil was a bigger celebrity than David Beckham! 'Thank you shaktiman' and 'sorry shaktiman' were essential in every kid’s vocabulary! When you had a crush on the cute girl who presented Phulwari Bachchon ki and you were like so totally jealous of the damn clown! Staying up till 10 to watch surabhi on Sundays was a habit since your dad wanted to hear Prannoy Roy prattling on about the news on the World This Week! When your favorite episode was either The Thesis episode of Flop show where Jaspal Bhatti wants to get his saali married to his student who then goes on to teach her how to ride a scooter, or that Zabaan Sambhalke episode where the anna and the praaji compete for the air hostess's kiss, or that episode in Dekh bhai Dekh where Shilpa leaves Sanju for Saahil, Shekhar chachu bets on horses, bade chachu snores and that under-wear dude sings 'Lolly Lolly, Sunday morning!' Or how waited for the Friday to come just so that you could see the Burning train on DD1! So you see what I mean don’t you? The reason why you got wet today morning is because you have too many channels on your telly! Ditch that DTH and go back to good old antenna! Bring Metro back you govt babus! And Long Live DD1!

Anand