Take it easy, u guys!!

Hey Hey!...Goodmorning!...and Happy First of July everybody!!

You might ask what's so special about today?!...well, absolutely nothing!..but still, we celebrate so many festivals on so many days that the other days start to feel neglected!...every morning is like a little baby!...just like how no two babies are the same (pls dont start with the cloning comments!)...no two mornings are similar...! you just have to wait and let them take their own course!...cuz only then can they really attain their full potential!...you shouldn't go ahead and plan every step, man!...that'll erase any and all chances of serendipity and surprise from your day!....now jumping from days to babies, this is what parents dont understand!...i was gonna use the word ALL but i think i'm gna stick with MOST!...now MOST parents do not understand one basic thing...a child has many friends, some more successful then him, some not....now if you DO wanna compare him to someone then why do you always pick the more successful douche?!...dont you know how much pressure it puts on ur 'taara on the zameen'?...we know that all you want is for your child to be good....but dont pressurize him to be the best...that, he'll become himself!....dont keep comparing attributes and nagging the poor soul...ruins his self confidence...i've always thought that if you do need to have a complex, have a superiority complex!...yeah!...look right up at the eyes of a challenge...grab it by the scruff of its neck, give it the old one-two and whoop its ass!...this is ideally what every parent should tell his kid!...dont force him to score 95+!...its not his fault that the newspaper wrote that some many dumbasses got so many marks?!...dont ask him to 'show his talent', everytime a relative comes a knocking!!...face it, we dont always feel like singing or dancing...and frankly its a bit weak!...most of all...dont talk him down in front of others....if you have any issues with him...sort it out with him seperately!...cz otherwise it'll just mess him up!!....also, dont force your child to NOT do something and then go like, "cz, i said so!"...give her proper reason...make her understand...but most of all...dont underestimate ur kid....they might be small and cute but if they're old enough to do stuff like eating with a knife and fork or using the loo properly then they are old enough to make some decisions for themselves!...mind you!...children will need some directions...but they dont need you to drive the whole way...figuratively!....so light up...let that kid breathe!...dont worry!...your his parents...he'll always look to you for inspiration and support....but dont smother him...make him want it...not need it!!

Anand

Love, Life and a whole lotta songs!!

Hey Hey!

Now we all dream, right?....some dreams we remember and some we dont!...but some dreams are different!...they leave a mark on your mind!....those are the dreams which you dont forget even after 10 years!....in fact, you remember them so vividly that you start believing that they were real incidents!...or not, but whatever!...Now the dreams which i remember the most are of two types....Astonishingly Horrific Nightmares and Heart-Touching Mush-mushies!!....the nightmares dont come anymore now, and even if they do come, then my super-ultra-mega-hyper active mnd just twists it into something utterly stupid and meaningless!...like this one-time i had a nightmare about a black and white ghoul who had bat wings and a mosquito like needle-thingy on his face...so he comes over to my window!...and i, nonchalantly, pull the drapes!...so he, being a dumb-ass of a ghost...or the ghost of a dumb-ass...knocks the door....once...twice...thrice...and boom!....i open up a can of whoop-ass on his face...well, not really....i spray him with a canister of Hit, square in the face!!...Now the other dreams, usually come when i meet someone really special...You see i had a huge crush on a girl during my training at mysore....so one night...while coming back from the sdb4 after swiping out...i saw her...she had left her hair open....was wearing a black t and blue jeans...and to put it aptly, my lower jaw was 2 inches from the ground!...she was looking absolutely fantastic!....so of course...she came in my dream that night....and you know what it was?...It was a bollywood movie!....well...actually it was a song from a flick!...i wont write which one, its just too embarrassing...umm...what the hell...it was "mahi ve" from Kal ho naa ho!!...it was brilliant!...i mean i was SRK (yeah, right!)...She was preity (she looked even cuter than zinta, believe you me!)!...Guru was Saif (wayy taller of course!)...and her really tall friend was Jaya Bachchan!...the back-up dancers were again our friends...it had choreography too!....proper pelvic thrusts and everything!and for some reason....a waltz sequence was present in the middle!...very romantic...very filmy....but as it is in the actual song...i go into cardiac arrest and guru gets zinta! (Damn u, man!)...but the thing is...that song pretty much stuck with me as 'her song!'...and this is what happens...i've a song for every girl i've ever had a crush on!...there's mahi ve...khudaya khair....when you say nothing at all...love is all around....yellow....desi girl....when you're looking like that....dhadke jiya....forever...walking away...even the flight of the Icarus!...i'm not blabbering here....if you want to keep all the memories fresh in your heart...then get a song!...they're immensely effective...

Anand

ps: i know this wasn't that funny, but eh..what goes?!

Pummi, Bitto, Pinki te Chachu di Gaddi

Hey hey hey!!

Happy Monday!!!

And now for something completely different! what is that we all have?...what is that we all love?...what is that we all care for?....and what is that we'd do anything for?!...FAMILY!...Love 'em or loathe 'em but you just live without them!...they define you...they mould you...they nurture you...and they...have...a pummi aunty!... every family has her!...if somehow a family doesn't...then there is always a neighbour pummi! so, what does a typical 'pummi aunty' do?! well...she goes abroad!...or just about anywhere else...buys gifts for you....mostly duty free bullshit from the airport...in a way she is like a fatter...more boring...Santa Claus...the only difference being that while Santa gets you toys you actually want...pummi aunty on the other hand just gets you stuff you're too old, too young or too intelligent to use!...if pummi aunty is married then there is a chachu, who doesn't talk much just smiles when you look at him....in a way...he's like the hood ornament of the car...of no use...but the car still needs one!....also...if pummi aunty has a kid...his nickname will be bittoo!...or pinky...if its a girl!....so now what do bittoo and pinky do?...well they pretty much do everything your parents asked you not to do around the house...they jump on sofas....the jump on mattresses...they jump on chairs...they jump on tables....they jump on counters....they are pretty much the kangaroo's of the humankind!...if ever you cant take it anymore then pummy aunty always has the "let it go na....abhi toh bachche hai!" dialogue ready!...mind you, pinky and bittoo can be 17 but they'll still be 'bachche'!....but that's not the most irritating part about Mrs.Pummi ...No No No No!...it is her stories....she has a story for every occasion!...and they are often HUGELY EXAGGERATED!...she's like dumber version of me! :P ...no really!...but the thing is that in my family....i've to play the role of bittoo!...and because of this my relatives have to use plaster of paris to post a smile on their faces before they meet me....and you know what?...i love it!....i just try and stretch the boundaries of their patience as much as i can!...just the expressions on their faces when a vase shatters into a bazzillion pieces because of the crazy ball i was playing with, is absolutely priceless!...i love being the 'family-douche'!...i'm the devil ain't i?...aww..."bura na mano!...abhi toh main bas bachcha hi hoon!" :P

Anand

Bai Bai ki kahani!

hey everyone, how's your morning going?

...if you're frowning abhi, then smile...if you're already smiling...then lets see some more teeth!!...there!...now isnt that better?!... if only it was this easy to be happy all the time!...but it ain't!..its the stress that has made us forget how to smile!...there are so many reasons for stress!...and each reason comes as a trio!...."Too much...bad....and no."... like the top trio is...Too much Work- Bad Work - No Work...then comes relationship... too many lovers....a sadistic lil punk ass 'going nowhere' relationship ...or no honey-bunny at all!...but the one that takes the cake as the no. one cause of stress, the BIG DADDY of all reasons, the 3 words that grind the gears of every bachelor, housewife or dingus....those three words are... KAAM WAALI BAI!... they're like cellphones you know!...everybody needs one, everybody has one and everybody wants a better one!...the thing about your maid is, no matter how much you pay her, too much is never enough...plus...too little work is a massive elephant of a task! But you have to praise one extraordinary quality of theirs....their astonishing peripheral vision!...they can see from any corner of the house whether you're vigilant or not, if you're not then they happily gallivant away just casually waving the broom around as if it has a suction pump which can magically suck up all the dirt without coming into contact with them....they can finish an hours work in 5 minutes...may be less...if ur not watching that is! but what's amazing is that she cant see the big ball of fur, rolling around like tumbleweed, in the hall, but she can spot a fiver below the bed from the drawing room! But you know what just makes things worse?...that douchebag of a neighbor who'll pay less than you but keep the help occupied more than you!...that's just uncool now!...but anyway...no matter how 'atrocious' they might be...u just cant live without them...they've now become an essential part of our lives...like electricity!...so god bless all the baies, aunties, behens, naukranies and maashimaas!!

Anand
ps: please dont tell my bai that i wrote all this... cuz then i'd have to clean the plates myself...

pps: and oh....i almost forgot.....DAMN IT SHINY, WHAT THE HELL?!....WHY WHY WHY WHY?!....

ppps: how many 'but's did i use in the post above?...guess correctly and get a chance to win a date with kantaben!

of balls and bees

heyy heyy! i'm back!..did you miss me?!...of course not me, but all this?!...yes you did!

Now its a fine morning today isnt it?...i like mornings a lot, although I'm not really a happy-sunshine-and-daffodils-fellow, i do like waking up in the morning to feel the fresh breeze. Its such a magical feeling. Every splash of cool air is like a gentle kiss from your loved one. It just acts like a time portal, transporting you back to the time when you were together, everything was perfect and you wanted to just stay in that moment forever. Its like my how my friend put it, "Anybody, who is loved by somebody, is lucky, buddy!"....so true!...as it usually happens to me, that got me a-thinking, what makes us love someone? or better still what gets us attracted to another person?.....i dont really know how the knobs in the girls mind turn but i do have a little idea about us guy's crania! now intelligence, sweetness, sense of humor, physical appearance and pretty eyes and everything toh we all know but there's one very thing which is like the GRAND DAD of all the aforementioned things! and you know what that is?...BALLS!...no i'm not being rude to you here, i'm saying that one 'thing' that gets a guy to feel attracted towards a female, and adds to the 'temperature' of the relationship is girl balls!..now all guys want to be chivalrous and want to treat their girlfriends like a fairy princess but every so often, there'll come a time when the girls needs to show that she has a firm head on her shoulder and can, to put it figuratively, show the middle finger to the world as and when required! It acts like honey to us bears, and i betcha, no guy will ever wanna let you go. here's to you...cheers!

Anand
(relationship counsellor extrodinaire...and grade 7 psycho)

Bum-Chic-Chic-Bum...Chic-Bum-Bum...Bum-Chic-Chic-Bum

Hello everyone!

I'm an Indian, and proud to be one! I indulge in doing typical indian stuff and i have a very prominent indian-ness in my taste. Why wont i?! i like what every indian likes, like cricket, bollywood movies and 'ghar-ka-khaana!' I just love being an indian when india's winning, hrithik's dancing and i'm cooking! And that's why, pls Mr.Roshan buy an IPL team ASAP! there are plenty of team with snazzy names up for the grabs you know! like the Jharkhand Jhumroos, the Gujju Geronimoes, the Kerala Kung-Foo Kings, the Suurma Bhopalies, the Mega Mizo Mayhem! :D It'll be brilliant, just like a mega-multistarrer-blockbuster! just like HUM!...you remember HUM?...that 90's movie with the 'OH-THE-GREATEST-MOVIE-SONG-IN-THE-WORLD!'...yes yess!...Jumma Chumma de de! Jumma Chumma de de Chummaa! Hey!...i just loved that movie...it was the first movie i actually remember watching at a theatre!..the Upahar, in Delhi, which burnt down a few years later...it was like a visual orgasm i'm telling you, just what a good bolly-potboiler should be!....Tiger screaming "Bakhtawar! Gonsalves ko agar kuuch hua toh main tujhe nahin chhodunga"...then that epic "do tarah ke keede" speech by drunk tiger!....and in true Bollywood style...flash forward...sauve'd up shekhar with his family singing 'Ek duusre se, karte hain pyar Hum!'...Govinda beating up Captain Zattack to the beats of "Batman!"...with Rajni pulling out his histronics, with a dollop of panache!...finally, the typical bollywood half-hour-climax-fight-scene!...I'm telling you that movie was as good as movies can get!...nothing ever came close to it...well maybe Sholay is Nadal to Hum's Federer!....but still...in my wimbledon, the FedEx always trounces the Nadman!...chalo, i've to go now and look for my jumma!...

Anand

ps: Arre oh jumma....meri jaanemann....baahar nikal...aaj jumaa hai...aaj ka waada hai!....arre tu boli thi..."pichale jumme ko...agle jumme ko...chumma dungi"...toh aaja...aaja.....aaja aaja aaja aaja...heyyyyy!"

pps:sorry couldnt hold myself back! :D

To Do or Not To Do

Hey!

How're you feeling today?!....i've been feeling great!...all weekend actually!...i've got a crapload of reading done!...mostly stuff on the net....even surveys!...you those survey and researches which do nothing but state the obvious!...one such research said that "men are more likely to do a good deed for a girl than another man?!"...that got me thinking!...why?!....is it because like in a jungle....the alpha male just wants to attract a female by jumping over the hoops for mating purposes and needs to fend off other males, and be especially cruel when he's in a position of advantage?!...maybe!...or is it because of the difference acknowledgement given to the 'doer of the good deed' by the recipient?!...i believe its the latter!...i was in the bus the other day and this girl just jumped in at the last moment...so obviously being an infy bus it had no seats left!...so i got up and offered my seat...the girl smiled and said "No, No, u sit!"...i persisted,"please, i insist!"...she thanked me and gave me the warmest smile ever!...you know the kind where the eye's light up and you know that the person actually means it!..yeah!..made my day, that!...i got off the bus at my stop and went to the confectionery!...bought some goodies and a litre bottle of mazaa!...a gentleman arrived...early 40's i'm guessing!...asked the keeper for some jalebis, sams and mazaa!...keeper said, "sorry we're all out of chilled mazaa, gave the last one to this boy", pointing towards me!...i felt awkward, and a little weird actually, so i offered him the cold drink and settled for a warmer one!...and u know what!...that damn douche didn't even say thank you, let alone pass a smile!...he behaved as if it was his rightful possession and i had done a crime by taking it before he had!...dumbass!!....that settled it then!...it is the reaction that causes boys do favors for girls!....i cant say that i'm surprised!...just a little jaded!...have i been like that douche?...must've!...its innate!!...being a douche is in our Y chromosome just below the gene code for having facial hair and being flatulent!!


Anand

...and here lies bong...

Hey!! :D....

...i love telling stories...i've got a bunch of them too!...one for every occasion...and if i dont have a story, i just make one up!...i'm perfectly decent when it comes to making up stories...part of it is attributed to me being an above-par liar!...Now, you may think that i'm gloating...but i kid you not...I'm a brilliant liar!...Oh yes!....You must be all, "What the hell is wrong with him? is this anything to be proud of??"....but my reply will be YES YESS YESS!...of course it is!...i admit its not exactly something which you can write in ur CV but nonetheless it is quite simply, one of the most important abilities, that a person needs to have....just like how you have to know the right thing at the right time...you also have to be able to tell the right lie at the right instance! There are only 4 things you need to remember when you wanna lie:

Distraction
Preparation
Conviction
Recollection

Distraction: To hide a big lie, tell a small lie first, make sure you get caught for it, and whine about it when you get caught. Everyone will be so proud of their detective ability that they wont be able to see through the curtains!

Preparation: If you're doing something about which you know that you will have to lie one day or the other, keep a lie handy! something which you can shoot out when the moment comes.

Conviction: As said by a great man...Me.....Tell a lie you'd believe yourself! now i could've mentioned imagination too as one of the 'things' but no, sometimes a hyper active imagination can get you into a truck load of trouble!...say only that which you'd fall for if some was was telling it to you!...you need practice for it but once you get the hang of it, you will be quite simply, invincible!

Recollection: This is the most important part of lying! Always remember what you said, for repitition is bane! Couple this with conviction for best results!! :)

There you go then, you're all set to set the streets on fire with your words!


Your's truly
Anand ;)

Sad-Ads!

Hey hey!!
..did you catch the new Reliance GSM ads where Hrithik calls up all his old friends....now the thing is...he is 'supposed' to be calling them after 10 years na?...where did he find all these old no.s??...did he have them already?...or did he go online and search for each of them?....creepy!....and didnt any1 change their no. in a decade?!...weird!....worse is that of Voltas Ac...now okay, i'll give it that it saves electricity, albiet a little...but does it have some sort of magic motor in it which regurgitates current as it consumes more of it and then transports it back across the line...thought the grid...though the air, apparently....and to some poor guy at one corner of the country??...then how the hell is it giving electricity to villages!... blatant douche-baggery i tell you!!

Anand

Broom away my groomsmen!

Heloooo!!..aaaaannd...I've a good news for you....My cousin..very verry verrrry distant cousin...is getting married!...Wheee!!

...umm...well alright, its not exactly good news for you but still, it is a pretty nice piece of news isnt it?!...No i'm not a very milli-chilli-vanilli-family kinda guy....but there are no functions GRANDER than weddings!!...especially if u attend the whole jamboree!....the one day weddings are fun too...but the real smack lies in the multi-days-mega_carnivalistic-

matrimonial-celebrations!! The last time i was lucky enuf to actually be at a wedding, was during the days of Kaho Na Pyaar hai!...but the best things about the ceremony was that, it was in calcutta!...now i being a thoroughbred Delhite never really attended any PROPER bong functions!...So that was my first time...I was a Bong-Celebration-Virgin before it!....I was the youngest in the family so, naturally, special treatment baby! Yeah!....i used to spend the whole day dancing around....gorging around...and chatting around!...in fact, i was a bigger star at the party than the bride and the groom themselves!..but but....as is natural with every big family function...you always get a shock somewhere down the road....its inevitable!...i got one too!...i was asked to sit with the groom while the bride sat with another girl during the whole ceremony!...So...if u think about it...i..in a way...am..sort of...Married!...and that too for 9 years now!...and i havent even seen my bride!...eeeesssshhh!!!

Anand