...and my Rangeela car!

What makes people chose stuff? Like how do can a person decide what he wants when he's provided with a plethora of choices? Like when you go to a fancy restaurant, how do you know whether you want the lobster or the chicken or tofu! Yech! i hate tofu! But even before that, how do you decide which hotel to go to in the first place? Its the same with cars! No matter how knowledgeable you or your peers are in the matter of stuff with wheels, you always seem to end up with the wrong car! Take the celebs for instance, they know all the people in the world, but when it comes to buying cars, they are about as daft as Hansa and Praful! ABs have massive Lexus SUV's which are about as practical on Mumbai roads as Hair on Anupam Kher's head! MrHrithik'Akbar-Rohit-Krrish'Roshan has a porsche cayenne, which are about as pretty as a hippo's bottom! And international celebs don't stay back either! A certain Mr Leo-Di-Cap has 3 Toyota prius'es! And those cars are about as good on the roads as i am , on a stage, dancing, while juggling 3 pick-axes, in front of the President, while making a painting of Michael Jackson, with my feet, while dodging knives, thrown by a blind man! And even if somehow by some miracle, people do chose the right car, its never of the right color! People usually go tri-chromatic when buying cars! White cars are for people who are trying to compensate for not having a Bai to keep their clothes clean! Silver cars are bought by people who say they hate Rakhi Sawant, but still know the names of all the suitors on Rakhi ka swayamwar! And black cars are bought by people who join a gym, go there the first day, run on the treadmill for 6 minutes, stand in front of the mirror for 15, flexing their muscles, go home and never come back again! Now some people experiment, Pink cars are bought by guys who look at their cousins and go "hmmmm!", then they go off to get their nails done! Guys who buy blue cars are usually the dudes who cried after they kissed for the first time! People who buy yellow cars, no, not just yellow, its usually Baby-Diarrhea-Yellow, are usually the folks who believe that the best movie in the world will be directed by RGV, produced by Mahesh Bhatt, starring KRK as the male lead and Antara Mali as the Female lead, with 'original' music given by Pritam and songs sung by Himesh Reshammiya. Some people also, stray away and buy green vehicles and go for honeymooning to New Delhi and actually go to red fort for 'site seeing!' So, isn't there a color in the world which is appropriate enough to be put on a car?! hmm, well, there's 'Overused blackboard' Gray, which'll make you look like a man with 5 credit cars in the wallet and Nada money in the bank! You also have the Boiled Rhino, magenta, which'll make you look like the kinda guy who sneaks up and scares the dogs, peeing on the tyres! There's also, the 'My-ass-is-on-Fire' Rust, which depicts you as the dude who cheered the loudest when aamir hit a six on the last ball in Lagaan!! there are many more colors in the world, each for a different kind of person. So what your car's color? Shhh!! :D

Anand

Buy Buy Baby!

A lot of people ask me for consumer advice. And i give it, whole-heartedly. But the thing about money is, the less you have it, the more you want to spend it! And that's the biggest problem! You go to the markets and check out something really good, like a watch, stilettos or a sports jacket! Then you dip your left hand into your bottom right pocket to take out your wallet and you open it only to find a couple autographs of the governor of the reserve bank of India worth exactly 10 percent less than have the price of item you're interested in buying! Your handy little credit card is of no use either because you exceeded the credit limit in buying the thing which you did not need but, oh so wanted! So you work harder and you save! You save like a mangy little raccoon saving food for the winter! But then after a quarter of a year, when you go back to the same market, the same corner, the same store, with just the right amount of money, what do you see? Them cost of the illusive 'thing' has gone up, and adding insult to injury is the fact that right next to it is something else, which is 10 times prettier, 20 times more useful and 30 times more expensive! Unless of course if the thing you fell for was a cell phone! You see, cell phones are the reverse indicators of the economy! While the cost of everything in the world escalates, the cost of cell phones goes down like a snowboarder skiing down the alps! The rate of descent increases a trillion times if its YOUR cell phone! and as is the case with every other piece of merchandise in the world, the loss is even greater if it's MINE! My shopping cart is usually like a graveyard of all things crap and worthless. Like my cell for example. It is that 'its not just a phone, its who we are' bullshit. but i wont lie, my phone is brilliant! In fact, it is so astonishingly good that the company stopped producing it after 6 months of introducing it and went on to say NO-KIA. But i kiya'ed! and I'm proud of it, since I'm one of only 3 people in the world who have this cell! One's a guy who adds LOL at the end of every statement and deserved to be smacked at the back of its head! The other's a chick who thinks that the Virani family actually exists and that Ekta Kapoor is a distant cousin of Charles Darwin! My buying sense is so messed up that i could have my own show on the telly, What To Buy And Repent! Now i have a fair bit of knowledge about cars, so you'd think that my dad will have the best car he could afford? Right? Wrong! He has a Civic. Now its a brilliant car, but its just so daft, so boring! and, I hate Hondas! So why did i let him buy it? I don't know, i guess a leprechaun was mating with my right ear when i was telling my dad what to buy! Its the same with my watches, one won't tell me the time and the other one tells me australian standard time, even if i re-calliberate it! My UPS works only when there's power, and my ties match more with my neighbours clothes than mine! So, if you want to buy something, spare yourself the agony of complete depression, and just come and ask me what i'd suggest, so that you could just go ahead and buy something else! Come on come on, try it. What do you want?! :D

Anand

Chicken and Ham!!

So the piggy fever thing is still here! And frankly, I'm sick of it. Not one moment goes by when something or the other doesn't remind you of it. It's like the whole world around you is trying to tell you that you're gna die, but you aint gna go down peacefully, u're gna die wheeze-fully! It just makes me wonder. Every other year, some new disease just pops out of no where. Bird flu, swine flu, airplane flew, Nancy drew, coffee brew and what not! Is there like a secret lab, somewhere near Timbuktu, owned by health care companies, churning out diseases one by one, just so that people keep buying their stuff?! Does it have like workers and scientists and armed guards and what not working to finish developing the new strand of 'ong-balloonza-chlamydia-fooza' where you've to ear muffs to protect your brain from liquefying and leaking outta your nose?! i mean come on, SARS, flu's, even anthrax and other crap! the worst thing is, all these are now stealing the thunder from AIDS. The Human Immuno Virus is just sitting around the porch like a retired actor, because nobody cares for him anymore now! And medicine companies? Well they've just stopped caring! They made one drug and whenever a new disease bobs out, they just change the packaging and push it along! If you've SARS, take Tami flu! If you've Chick flu, take Tami flu! If you've Piglet Flu, take Tami flu! How lazy ass can you be?! i bet, the scientists there are probably enjoying themselves at their new 31 million euro condo in the south of France! think about it, when i was 3 years old and 4 inches tall, there was polio and cancer. Then there was polio, cancer and AIDS. Then there was polio, cancer, AIDS and plague.Then there was polio, cancer, AIDS, plague and SARS. And it went on. What happened to the medicines? The only people lazier than these drug companies are the designers at Porsche who've been making every 911 look the same for 40 years, Indian serial writers where every story is about females and their relationship with elders, and people working for Pritam, who just take an international song, replace the words with 'hindi bhaashaa waale shabd'! It has even taken people's minds off important things! Folks now go, "Screw recession, gimme my N95 mask!" But the thing is, as time goes by our body develops immunity to viruses, or we just learn to live with it! In 20 years Lil boy Johnny is gonna come to the school one day and tell Rita ma'am "Chowee, i cdnt come yesht-uhh-day, my AIDS was acting up!" And the merchandising! how can we forget those! gas masks, caps, aprons, condoms, insurance, helmets! I'm not saying you don't need them, some yo really do, like condoms, which if you don't use, can lead to babies, who grow up, and write blogs! and Insurance? well, we all are gna die someday, but having insurance just makes sure that you die on a cot, later! But its all up to us now, we could panic and surrender, like the french in WW2. Or we could be informed, and fight! Or, you can be staunch, shrewd and stubborn and refuse to wear masks! LIKE ME! :D

Anand

Kyunki mom bhi kabhi saas banegi!!

Its good to be back. Its been so long now, almost three quarters of a month! And so much has changed! Rakhi Sawant got engaged, so did Sania, Piggy Fever has spread its tentacles, RGV released yet another craptastic flick, listening to Michael Jackson has become cool again, Dumbledore has passed away and the sales of sunscreen lotion have hit rock bottom because people now prefer wearing masks instead! But the most important piece of news of the past fortnight is that i moved my base to new place! So no more smiling at Wipro chicks. :( . My mum was against the idea of me moving when i told her that i wanted to, she was like "No no, its a nice place, you'll like it, eventually!" So i thought that i needed to play my trump card, and i did. i told my mum, that there's a quartet of cute young engineers staying above me. Worked like a charm and poof! two days later, i had moved! Its not like my parents don't want me to meet someone nice, na na, they do, but only they want me to do so, when i'm 50! Best is when other people come to my home and start talking about me getting married someday, you should see us then! My family just shifts gears into 'Rajshri mode' then. I just sit and smile while my mum goes on talking about how I've soo much independence and that they'll be fine with whomever i chose to date because in how in their eyes, discrimination based on caste, race and religion is plain wrong! Then they go on talking about how they always ask me to go out and meet people and make new friends, and how i only always say, 'Naa! I'm fine alone!' Then they end it by saying, "We don't know what are gonna do about this boy!" But the real fun, begins, when the people leave and you're cleaning up the mess they've made. My dad shoots the first missile, asks "Weird people they were, no? Asked too many questions, No? Wished they'd talk about something else, No?" Then my mom, the quarterback, get the ball, and tries to throw it for a 70 yard touchdown pass! "Well, they asked quite a lot about you maybe they have someone in mind for you!" The game changes from football to baseball here and I being the perpetual batsman go for the first hit, "Naah, they know I'm wise enough to find somebody for myself!" Oooh, a swing and a miss! Strike one! Dad winds up a curve ball, "You seem darn confident, some thing's brewing, No?!" "Nope!", i say! Strike two! The pitcher changes now, Mom steps in, and its a fast ball! "There are girls where you work right? any friends? any bongs? any delhite?" I try to aim for the press box, "Yep, there are a few girls, 2 in my team in fact!" Awww, galat jawaab! Strike three! You're out! The Stadium goes silent, the batter walks back slowly to the den, knowing what a huge mistake he has made. He wishes he could just go back in time and play it safe, but its too late now. The tiger has tasted blood, he cant run, he cant hide. Slowly the predator follows the prey, cornering him, playing with him. "Is that so? Are they attractive?" "NO!", the rabbit's eyes dart from right to left to right again, hoping to find a way out! The Tiger raises, its right paw, the claws shining in the shimmering sunlight! "They better not be, we don't want you bringing a girl into this house!" The bunny sees a loophole and jumps right in, "Eh! so is it okay if i bring a guy? huh? huh? huh?!" Big mistake! I hoped for laughter but I got lowered eyebrows instead! "You know Vinu got married to his girlfriend and see how good that's working out for him!?" "Is that supposed to be a complex-sarcastic-rhetoric-question? And who the bloody hell is Vinu?" Of course i don't say this out loud. But they sense it,

"Vinu is 'some'guy from 'some'where, who's 'some'how related to you! And he got married, now his parents have no respect and his wife doesn't have a silent mode! So listen to me, and listen well! You can fall for any girl!"

"Whee!", i go.

"But..."

"Damn! whys there always a damn but?!"

She goes on, "she must be a bong..."

"How many bong girls do i know? quite a few, but they're all committed! Damn it!"

"...she can be from Delhi..."

"....yaaayhaaay!..."

"...or kolkata!..."

"...double yaaayhaay!..."

"...but her parents must be based in Kolkata!"

" eh! so the girl doesn't matter?!"

"Shut up and listen!"

"Hey! relax"

"No, and she must be well educated and must know how to cook!"

"How does that matter? i know how to cook and i do it pretty well, thank you! So anymore check boxes that she needs to tick?"

"She must not be foreign returned!"

"you worried about swine flu?"

"And she must have really big, i mean really BIG.."

"please don't say what i think you're gonna say!"

"..intellectual background!"

"phew! but what the devil is that?"

"Not important!"

"Really, then why are you telling me this?!"

"Cuz if you marry someone who we don't approve of, then you'll see!"

"Si, Senora! Now may i leave?!"

"Kay, but stay away from the chicks in your company, or somebody gonna get a hurt real bad!"

"What? Do you know Russell Peters?!"

"Who?!"

"Nobody, just a friend, not important!"

"Does he have a sister? Have you met her? Is she pretty? Do you like her?"

"Aww Bugger!"

Here we go again!

PS: The best part is, I'm not even exaggerating here!