Bai Bai ki kahani!

hey everyone, how's your morning going?

...if you're frowning abhi, then smile...if you're already smiling...then lets see some more teeth!!...there!...now isnt that better?!... if only it was this easy to be happy all the time!...but it ain't!..its the stress that has made us forget how to smile!...there are so many reasons for stress!...and each reason comes as a trio!...."Too much...bad....and no."... like the top trio is...Too much Work- Bad Work - No Work...then comes relationship... too many lovers....a sadistic lil punk ass 'going nowhere' relationship ...or no honey-bunny at all!...but the one that takes the cake as the no. one cause of stress, the BIG DADDY of all reasons, the 3 words that grind the gears of every bachelor, housewife or dingus....those three words are... KAAM WAALI BAI!... they're like cellphones you know!...everybody needs one, everybody has one and everybody wants a better one!...the thing about your maid is, no matter how much you pay her, too much is never enough...plus...too little work is a massive elephant of a task! But you have to praise one extraordinary quality of theirs....their astonishing peripheral vision!...they can see from any corner of the house whether you're vigilant or not, if you're not then they happily gallivant away just casually waving the broom around as if it has a suction pump which can magically suck up all the dirt without coming into contact with them....they can finish an hours work in 5 minutes...may be less...if ur not watching that is! but what's amazing is that she cant see the big ball of fur, rolling around like tumbleweed, in the hall, but she can spot a fiver below the bed from the drawing room! But you know what just makes things worse?...that douchebag of a neighbor who'll pay less than you but keep the help occupied more than you!...that's just uncool now!...but anyway...no matter how 'atrocious' they might be...u just cant live without them...they've now become an essential part of our lives...like electricity!...so god bless all the baies, aunties, behens, naukranies and maashimaas!!

Anand
ps: please dont tell my bai that i wrote all this... cuz then i'd have to clean the plates myself...

pps: and oh....i almost forgot.....DAMN IT SHINY, WHAT THE HELL?!....WHY WHY WHY WHY?!....

ppps: how many 'but's did i use in the post above?...guess correctly and get a chance to win a date with kantaben!

of balls and bees

heyy heyy! i'm back!..did you miss me?!...of course not me, but all this?!...yes you did!

Now its a fine morning today isnt it?...i like mornings a lot, although I'm not really a happy-sunshine-and-daffodils-fellow, i do like waking up in the morning to feel the fresh breeze. Its such a magical feeling. Every splash of cool air is like a gentle kiss from your loved one. It just acts like a time portal, transporting you back to the time when you were together, everything was perfect and you wanted to just stay in that moment forever. Its like my how my friend put it, "Anybody, who is loved by somebody, is lucky, buddy!"....so true!...as it usually happens to me, that got me a-thinking, what makes us love someone? or better still what gets us attracted to another person?.....i dont really know how the knobs in the girls mind turn but i do have a little idea about us guy's crania! now intelligence, sweetness, sense of humor, physical appearance and pretty eyes and everything toh we all know but there's one very thing which is like the GRAND DAD of all the aforementioned things! and you know what that is?...BALLS!...no i'm not being rude to you here, i'm saying that one 'thing' that gets a guy to feel attracted towards a female, and adds to the 'temperature' of the relationship is girl balls!..now all guys want to be chivalrous and want to treat their girlfriends like a fairy princess but every so often, there'll come a time when the girls needs to show that she has a firm head on her shoulder and can, to put it figuratively, show the middle finger to the world as and when required! It acts like honey to us bears, and i betcha, no guy will ever wanna let you go. here's to you...cheers!

Anand
(relationship counsellor extrodinaire...and grade 7 psycho)

Bum-Chic-Chic-Bum...Chic-Bum-Bum...Bum-Chic-Chic-Bum

Hello everyone!

I'm an Indian, and proud to be one! I indulge in doing typical indian stuff and i have a very prominent indian-ness in my taste. Why wont i?! i like what every indian likes, like cricket, bollywood movies and 'ghar-ka-khaana!' I just love being an indian when india's winning, hrithik's dancing and i'm cooking! And that's why, pls Mr.Roshan buy an IPL team ASAP! there are plenty of team with snazzy names up for the grabs you know! like the Jharkhand Jhumroos, the Gujju Geronimoes, the Kerala Kung-Foo Kings, the Suurma Bhopalies, the Mega Mizo Mayhem! :D It'll be brilliant, just like a mega-multistarrer-blockbuster! just like HUM!...you remember HUM?...that 90's movie with the 'OH-THE-GREATEST-MOVIE-SONG-IN-THE-WORLD!'...yes yess!...Jumma Chumma de de! Jumma Chumma de de Chummaa! Hey!...i just loved that movie...it was the first movie i actually remember watching at a theatre!..the Upahar, in Delhi, which burnt down a few years later...it was like a visual orgasm i'm telling you, just what a good bolly-potboiler should be!....Tiger screaming "Bakhtawar! Gonsalves ko agar kuuch hua toh main tujhe nahin chhodunga"...then that epic "do tarah ke keede" speech by drunk tiger!....and in true Bollywood style...flash forward...sauve'd up shekhar with his family singing 'Ek duusre se, karte hain pyar Hum!'...Govinda beating up Captain Zattack to the beats of "Batman!"...with Rajni pulling out his histronics, with a dollop of panache!...finally, the typical bollywood half-hour-climax-fight-scene!...I'm telling you that movie was as good as movies can get!...nothing ever came close to it...well maybe Sholay is Nadal to Hum's Federer!....but still...in my wimbledon, the FedEx always trounces the Nadman!...chalo, i've to go now and look for my jumma!...

Anand

ps: Arre oh jumma....meri jaanemann....baahar nikal...aaj jumaa hai...aaj ka waada hai!....arre tu boli thi..."pichale jumme ko...agle jumme ko...chumma dungi"...toh aaja...aaja.....aaja aaja aaja aaja...heyyyyy!"

pps:sorry couldnt hold myself back! :D

To Do or Not To Do

Hey!

How're you feeling today?!....i've been feeling great!...all weekend actually!...i've got a crapload of reading done!...mostly stuff on the net....even surveys!...you those survey and researches which do nothing but state the obvious!...one such research said that "men are more likely to do a good deed for a girl than another man?!"...that got me thinking!...why?!....is it because like in a jungle....the alpha male just wants to attract a female by jumping over the hoops for mating purposes and needs to fend off other males, and be especially cruel when he's in a position of advantage?!...maybe!...or is it because of the difference acknowledgement given to the 'doer of the good deed' by the recipient?!...i believe its the latter!...i was in the bus the other day and this girl just jumped in at the last moment...so obviously being an infy bus it had no seats left!...so i got up and offered my seat...the girl smiled and said "No, No, u sit!"...i persisted,"please, i insist!"...she thanked me and gave me the warmest smile ever!...you know the kind where the eye's light up and you know that the person actually means it!..yeah!..made my day, that!...i got off the bus at my stop and went to the confectionery!...bought some goodies and a litre bottle of mazaa!...a gentleman arrived...early 40's i'm guessing!...asked the keeper for some jalebis, sams and mazaa!...keeper said, "sorry we're all out of chilled mazaa, gave the last one to this boy", pointing towards me!...i felt awkward, and a little weird actually, so i offered him the cold drink and settled for a warmer one!...and u know what!...that damn douche didn't even say thank you, let alone pass a smile!...he behaved as if it was his rightful possession and i had done a crime by taking it before he had!...dumbass!!....that settled it then!...it is the reaction that causes boys do favors for girls!....i cant say that i'm surprised!...just a little jaded!...have i been like that douche?...must've!...its innate!!...being a douche is in our Y chromosome just below the gene code for having facial hair and being flatulent!!


Anand

...and here lies bong...

Hey!! :D....

...i love telling stories...i've got a bunch of them too!...one for every occasion...and if i dont have a story, i just make one up!...i'm perfectly decent when it comes to making up stories...part of it is attributed to me being an above-par liar!...Now, you may think that i'm gloating...but i kid you not...I'm a brilliant liar!...Oh yes!....You must be all, "What the hell is wrong with him? is this anything to be proud of??"....but my reply will be YES YESS YESS!...of course it is!...i admit its not exactly something which you can write in ur CV but nonetheless it is quite simply, one of the most important abilities, that a person needs to have....just like how you have to know the right thing at the right time...you also have to be able to tell the right lie at the right instance! There are only 4 things you need to remember when you wanna lie:

Distraction
Preparation
Conviction
Recollection

Distraction: To hide a big lie, tell a small lie first, make sure you get caught for it, and whine about it when you get caught. Everyone will be so proud of their detective ability that they wont be able to see through the curtains!

Preparation: If you're doing something about which you know that you will have to lie one day or the other, keep a lie handy! something which you can shoot out when the moment comes.

Conviction: As said by a great man...Me.....Tell a lie you'd believe yourself! now i could've mentioned imagination too as one of the 'things' but no, sometimes a hyper active imagination can get you into a truck load of trouble!...say only that which you'd fall for if some was was telling it to you!...you need practice for it but once you get the hang of it, you will be quite simply, invincible!

Recollection: This is the most important part of lying! Always remember what you said, for repitition is bane! Couple this with conviction for best results!! :)

There you go then, you're all set to set the streets on fire with your words!


Your's truly
Anand ;)

Sad-Ads!

Hey hey!!
..did you catch the new Reliance GSM ads where Hrithik calls up all his old friends....now the thing is...he is 'supposed' to be calling them after 10 years na?...where did he find all these old no.s??...did he have them already?...or did he go online and search for each of them?....creepy!....and didnt any1 change their no. in a decade?!...weird!....worse is that of Voltas Ac...now okay, i'll give it that it saves electricity, albiet a little...but does it have some sort of magic motor in it which regurgitates current as it consumes more of it and then transports it back across the line...thought the grid...though the air, apparently....and to some poor guy at one corner of the country??...then how the hell is it giving electricity to villages!... blatant douche-baggery i tell you!!

Anand

Broom away my groomsmen!

Heloooo!!..aaaaannd...I've a good news for you....My cousin..very verry verrrry distant cousin...is getting married!...Wheee!!

...umm...well alright, its not exactly good news for you but still, it is a pretty nice piece of news isnt it?!...No i'm not a very milli-chilli-vanilli-family kinda guy....but there are no functions GRANDER than weddings!!...especially if u attend the whole jamboree!....the one day weddings are fun too...but the real smack lies in the multi-days-mega_carnivalistic-

matrimonial-celebrations!! The last time i was lucky enuf to actually be at a wedding, was during the days of Kaho Na Pyaar hai!...but the best things about the ceremony was that, it was in calcutta!...now i being a thoroughbred Delhite never really attended any PROPER bong functions!...So that was my first time...I was a Bong-Celebration-Virgin before it!....I was the youngest in the family so, naturally, special treatment baby! Yeah!....i used to spend the whole day dancing around....gorging around...and chatting around!...in fact, i was a bigger star at the party than the bride and the groom themselves!..but but....as is natural with every big family function...you always get a shock somewhere down the road....its inevitable!...i got one too!...i was asked to sit with the groom while the bride sat with another girl during the whole ceremony!...So...if u think about it...i..in a way...am..sort of...Married!...and that too for 9 years now!...and i havent even seen my bride!...eeeesssshhh!!!

Anand