an AD MAD world this be, matey!

Everyone has a dream job! Everybody wants to be somebody when they are nobody!...No that's not right, some even dream about having that perfect job after getting a job!...the dream just sorta lives on! its just keeps bubbling inside, waiting for that one chance to burst out!...that chance can be anything, you know...an opportunity...retirement...'fire'ment...recession and all! I want to be a cheese maker, you know! Zamorano.... Bleu de Gex... Castellano... Creme Fraiche... Fontainebleu.... these are what i wanna make! It is kinda practical!...and somewhat challenging too!...But people don't picture me as a wanna be cheese monger!...No!...People from my school wanted me to be a doctor...people from my workspace want me to be silent....people from my college want me to be dead...and people from my society think i should be in advertising. Hmm..i asked them, why?...they said I've a messed up mind...maybe i could get more bucks for its bang!..but then how is it different from what we do everyday?!..yes!...you cant prove me wrong here...We've all been in advertising all our lives....and we've all been successful, most of the times!...I'll give you my example then...in reverse chronological order....First meeting with my PM...Advertising!...had to show him a trailer of my, ahem, GENIUS!...first meeting with my neighbor....Advertising!...had to put across that I'm not someone, you go with, to a bar!...First meeting with the estate agent...Advertising!...had to show him that i can not afford the rent so that the douche would bring it down!....First meeting with the one, the other one, the third one and the perfect one....Advertising!...had to prove that I'm not a jock, not a jackass, not a snob and not a dingus, respectively!...First meeting with the chief warden...Advertising!...Had to show that, yes i did need to keep my laptop with me!...First meeting with the best buddy....advertising!...had to show her that even though i pretend to listen when other's are talking, but when she's saying something i really listen...or i try to!...First meeting with the principal...Advertising!...had to get him to not shove me in with the special wing kiddies!...First meeting with grandpa!...Advertising!...had to promote myself as a 'better product' than my cousins!...and this is what I'm guessing, first meeting with my dad...again Advertising!...had to 'show him' that i was in fact a boy and that how "Shikha" shouldn't quite be my name!....and now my first ad!...when i met my mom....had to show that i was worth the 8 hour labour!..umm...so there you go then!...we're all into show-business!!...some of us just haven't realized it yet!...but don't worry if you haven't...would drive you to the brinks of being paranoid!...just look at what this has done to me!...

Anand

Boy, Oh Boy....!!

Now the most important 'day-old' news in the world! Pay attention you, this will change the world. Genetic scientists at the University of Goettingen in Germany have produced 65 mouse fetuses using sperm that was grown from embryonic stem cells. Do you know what this means??? This means that, it is probable that in the near future, they could take early germ cells from one woman, turn them into sperm cells, and use those to fertilise the egg of another woman. and and that's not all. Anytime now we can have Male Eggs and Female Sperms! Now correct me if I'm wrong, but wont that make half the world's population REDUNDANT?! where, by the way, half the population is ALL THE MEN! biologically speaking,what use are we males?! We dont get pregnant, We cant go into Labour, We wont give birth, except of course if u're a certain Mr.Thomas Beatie, but then he was a trans-gendered male wasn't he? So this thing, pretty much, will make our existence, completely pointless! Now I'm not being paranoid here, but see, natural selection works n one way, and one way only, if u need it, you'll have it, if you don't, you wont! Look at what happened to the Caspian Tigers, the Woolly Rhinoceros, the Quagga! eeesssh! I mean if this world were to like the Human Body, Men would end up as the appendix! We need some WMD's now! Worldwide Male Defence!! Someone phone the Animal Rights Activists and tell them about this catastrophe! Call up the WWF and ask them to add us to their Endangered Species List! We need all the help we can get! Men, all over the world, shut up and step up, for this might be your last chance! Think about your sons and grandsons! Do you want them to grow up in a world where men are kept in sanctuaries and museums and are paraded on animal planet, to 'raise awareness'? Of course you don't! So start cleaning up your act, cuz if we keep acting like jerks, its not soon before long that we'll be tossed out on the streets as ageing pets! Giddy Up!! Get to work!!

Anand

ps: this is what happens when i stay still for long, i start talking nonsense!

pps: I understand if you dont want to be friends with me anymore, its apt! Just what i deserve!

ppps: didja see,? didja see? i dint use any '....'s today! Sucks, doesn't it?!

pppps: Hey this is a new record, 4 post scripts!

ppppps: Well, this is the last one, i promise!

pppppps: i Lied!

ppppppps: Jeez! so many P's!

pppppppps: :P

to each his own...

Have you seen Hitman?...in it, Timothy Olyphant asks the agent..."How does a good man know when to kill?"....wel! i have a similar question, just not as intense...."How does a good man know when to leave his seat for somebody else?!"...oh! stop laughing now, i am a moderately good man!...anyway here's the deal...i'm not religious...i do not believe in the existence of a higher power....what i do believe in, is the power of probability and permutation and combinations!...also, i don't have any faith in karma!...i think, you must do what like, what your intellect and conscience tells you to!...and more often than not, they'll tell you to put smiles on other people's faces...so that is what i try to do...mostly...you might remember about the time i did that experiment which involved doing favours for men and women...about how i left my seat for this girl who was late coming to the bus...yeah!...so, well, it was raining yesterday, alright, so obviously the bus was packed like the backpack of a 12 year old!...as it was about to move, 3 people just jumped in!...and as the bus rolled, they just stood there, shivering in the cold, with barely enough place to stand comfortably!...as i sat smugly in my seat, i saw them, one girl looked like a new employee...how do i know that?...cz she was looking so intently at the road that it was obvious that she had recently moved to pune and was probably new to this bus....the second was a man in his mid thirties, partially bald and totally obese with a briefcase, a Tupperware tiffin and an umbrella with a 'u-handle'!...and last was a frail looking lady, newly married, and on the phone...now i had to get up and offer my seat to someone, question was, who deserved it the most?...the girl was shivering her hair clips off in the breeze...the man was pretty much stuck in the aisle and could not possibly itch his nose even if he really really REALLY wanted to...and the lady was constantly losing her balance cz she cdnt reach the overhead beams!..i was in a classic pickle...cz u see, i not only had to choose someone to offer my seat to, but i had to stand there with the other two glaring down my neck and cursing 17 generations of my family!...i looked around...i thought that maybe i'd go with the crowd's opinion and give the seat to the one who was being looked at by the most no. of people...didn't help, nobody was bothered!..either they were too busy trying to dry off their ipods...or were too engrossed in the days gossip about how their teammate was saying sweet-nothing in a PYT"s ear!...made me wonder, that...chivalry was dead, politeness dead-er!...as dads and brother's will agree with me, there's a princess inside every girl...so obviously, i expected a knight in every boy too!...but i guess i was wrong!...douchebags!...nothing more than that...not one single person volunteered...i bet most were thinking 'heck, we paid for a ticket too! if they wanted a seat, they should've come early!"...to people who think like that i show my middle finger with pride!....and if people like those are sitting, i'd rather stand...so i did...i didn't offer my seat to anyone....just got up and moved to the front of the bus...natural selection took its course and the girl sat down merrily!....of course, i turned around to look, the pot bellied man smiled, so did the the woman. the girl too and then she mumbled something, which i guess was like a thank you!...the whole bus was looking at me now...probably thinking why, if i had to give my seat to someone, did i not get up earlier?...but i ask them now, " How does a good man know, when to give up his seat for someone?!"

Anand

ps : if you were on that bus, then shame on you!....you didn't even get up after i did!...

pps: people usually write no offence intended in post like this....but no...i intend offence!

Miles and Miles of Smiles!

...I read this news piece yesterday in the TOI which said that 50percent of all foreigners murdered in the Australia are Indians!...Man!...that's some shocking stuff!...its all because of ignorance!...ignorance about diversity!...well, there are 195 countries in the world!!!...ONE HUNDRED AND NINETY FIVE!...that's some number...and it'll take you mighty long to get to know about even 15percent of them!!...now, i know you'll be full rolling your eyes and all...but think about it...i mean most of us stay in societies right?...sure you know your neighbor but can you confidently say that about all the residents of the society?....scrap that, do you even know all the people living in your building...you know what, scrap that too, do you know one person, at least, from every apartment in your building?...most of you don't!...and that's because...its just too hard...there are just too many different types of people!...now i pretty much stay in the middle of nowhere, alright!...so I'm like courage the cowardly dog!...just one building, surrounded by unending nothingness on all sides!...but people still stay here....and nice people too!!...or so i think!...well, on my right side is a family...of four...two kiddies and their mum and dad...good folks....pretty well behaved...except when the hubby spills orange juice on the carpet and the fair lady just...well..loses it!...her shrill voice....coupled with the indistinguishable indescribable intelligible word delivery makes our poor watchman redundant...cz i bet no thief would ever dare venture into this apartment cz of her monster mouth!!...right next to me are a bunch of bachelors...who, I'm pretty sure are delighted that section 377 has been done away with!...no no...bear with me now!...first of all, they have pink walls!....bright candy fluff pink....their favourite artists are the backstreet boys and the pussycat dolls!..their car smells of jasmines!...and i once saw empty cartons of hair removal creams and fairness creams outside their apartment!...now the apartment above mine...so aptly called the seventh heaven...is occupied by 4 wipro girls!...weird ones...they'd hug you if they need to get something done but then show you the middle finger after they've got their way!!...i mean they came to my room and asked me whether i go to the gym!..i! and gym!...the chances of me ever going to a gym are rarer than the chances of full frontal nudity in the next Disney flick!!...but they're very cute...so...you know! :D ...on the top floor, stays an elderly couple!...retired and very happy!...i mean, the dude (yes! he is a dude!....he was a boxer for god's sake!) is probably the only guy IN THE WORLD who can compete in a joust of crapolicious jokes with me!...and the chick, (again, I've seen the pictures of when they were young and you know, that if Jennifer Hawkins had seen her then, she'd just die of jealousy!!) prepares the best cup cakes ever!...well what i want to say here is, well don't go by what other's tell you!..do not let your perception of others be affected by what you..umm...read in the papers...or watch on the telly..or hear in other's rants!...don't be brainwashed by people who just want to fuel their political motives!..no no!...instead...talk to people!....be friendly....smile!...if they don't smile back!...move on!...smile at the next guy...and the next..and the next!...i mean what is the world anyway?...its just us!....they're only 6 degrees of separation between us and that's about it.....plus it is the best deal!....you'll get what you give...and more!...so start living, start loving!

Anand

:D

Take it easy, u guys!!

Hey Hey!...Goodmorning!...and Happy First of July everybody!!

You might ask what's so special about today?!...well, absolutely nothing!..but still, we celebrate so many festivals on so many days that the other days start to feel neglected!...every morning is like a little baby!...just like how no two babies are the same (pls dont start with the cloning comments!)...no two mornings are similar...! you just have to wait and let them take their own course!...cuz only then can they really attain their full potential!...you shouldn't go ahead and plan every step, man!...that'll erase any and all chances of serendipity and surprise from your day!....now jumping from days to babies, this is what parents dont understand!...i was gonna use the word ALL but i think i'm gna stick with MOST!...now MOST parents do not understand one basic thing...a child has many friends, some more successful then him, some not....now if you DO wanna compare him to someone then why do you always pick the more successful douche?!...dont you know how much pressure it puts on ur 'taara on the zameen'?...we know that all you want is for your child to be good....but dont pressurize him to be the best...that, he'll become himself!....dont keep comparing attributes and nagging the poor soul...ruins his self confidence...i've always thought that if you do need to have a complex, have a superiority complex!...yeah!...look right up at the eyes of a challenge...grab it by the scruff of its neck, give it the old one-two and whoop its ass!...this is ideally what every parent should tell his kid!...dont force him to score 95+!...its not his fault that the newspaper wrote that some many dumbasses got so many marks?!...dont ask him to 'show his talent', everytime a relative comes a knocking!!...face it, we dont always feel like singing or dancing...and frankly its a bit weak!...most of all...dont talk him down in front of others....if you have any issues with him...sort it out with him seperately!...cz otherwise it'll just mess him up!!....also, dont force your child to NOT do something and then go like, "cz, i said so!"...give her proper reason...make her understand...but most of all...dont underestimate ur kid....they might be small and cute but if they're old enough to do stuff like eating with a knife and fork or using the loo properly then they are old enough to make some decisions for themselves!...mind you!...children will need some directions...but they dont need you to drive the whole way...figuratively!....so light up...let that kid breathe!...dont worry!...your his parents...he'll always look to you for inspiration and support....but dont smother him...make him want it...not need it!!

Anand

Love, Life and a whole lotta songs!!

Hey Hey!

Now we all dream, right?....some dreams we remember and some we dont!...but some dreams are different!...they leave a mark on your mind!....those are the dreams which you dont forget even after 10 years!....in fact, you remember them so vividly that you start believing that they were real incidents!...or not, but whatever!...Now the dreams which i remember the most are of two types....Astonishingly Horrific Nightmares and Heart-Touching Mush-mushies!!....the nightmares dont come anymore now, and even if they do come, then my super-ultra-mega-hyper active mnd just twists it into something utterly stupid and meaningless!...like this one-time i had a nightmare about a black and white ghoul who had bat wings and a mosquito like needle-thingy on his face...so he comes over to my window!...and i, nonchalantly, pull the drapes!...so he, being a dumb-ass of a ghost...or the ghost of a dumb-ass...knocks the door....once...twice...thrice...and boom!....i open up a can of whoop-ass on his face...well, not really....i spray him with a canister of Hit, square in the face!!...Now the other dreams, usually come when i meet someone really special...You see i had a huge crush on a girl during my training at mysore....so one night...while coming back from the sdb4 after swiping out...i saw her...she had left her hair open....was wearing a black t and blue jeans...and to put it aptly, my lower jaw was 2 inches from the ground!...she was looking absolutely fantastic!....so of course...she came in my dream that night....and you know what it was?...It was a bollywood movie!....well...actually it was a song from a flick!...i wont write which one, its just too embarrassing...umm...what the hell...it was "mahi ve" from Kal ho naa ho!!...it was brilliant!...i mean i was SRK (yeah, right!)...She was preity (she looked even cuter than zinta, believe you me!)!...Guru was Saif (wayy taller of course!)...and her really tall friend was Jaya Bachchan!...the back-up dancers were again our friends...it had choreography too!....proper pelvic thrusts and everything!and for some reason....a waltz sequence was present in the middle!...very romantic...very filmy....but as it is in the actual song...i go into cardiac arrest and guru gets zinta! (Damn u, man!)...but the thing is...that song pretty much stuck with me as 'her song!'...and this is what happens...i've a song for every girl i've ever had a crush on!...there's mahi ve...khudaya khair....when you say nothing at all...love is all around....yellow....desi girl....when you're looking like that....dhadke jiya....forever...walking away...even the flight of the Icarus!...i'm not blabbering here....if you want to keep all the memories fresh in your heart...then get a song!...they're immensely effective...

Anand

ps: i know this wasn't that funny, but eh..what goes?!

Pummi, Bitto, Pinki te Chachu di Gaddi

Hey hey hey!!

Happy Monday!!!

And now for something completely different! what is that we all have?...what is that we all love?...what is that we all care for?....and what is that we'd do anything for?!...FAMILY!...Love 'em or loathe 'em but you just live without them!...they define you...they mould you...they nurture you...and they...have...a pummi aunty!... every family has her!...if somehow a family doesn't...then there is always a neighbour pummi! so, what does a typical 'pummi aunty' do?! well...she goes abroad!...or just about anywhere else...buys gifts for you....mostly duty free bullshit from the airport...in a way she is like a fatter...more boring...Santa Claus...the only difference being that while Santa gets you toys you actually want...pummi aunty on the other hand just gets you stuff you're too old, too young or too intelligent to use!...if pummi aunty is married then there is a chachu, who doesn't talk much just smiles when you look at him....in a way...he's like the hood ornament of the car...of no use...but the car still needs one!....also...if pummi aunty has a kid...his nickname will be bittoo!...or pinky...if its a girl!....so now what do bittoo and pinky do?...well they pretty much do everything your parents asked you not to do around the house...they jump on sofas....the jump on mattresses...they jump on chairs...they jump on tables....they jump on counters....they are pretty much the kangaroo's of the humankind!...if ever you cant take it anymore then pummy aunty always has the "let it go na....abhi toh bachche hai!" dialogue ready!...mind you, pinky and bittoo can be 17 but they'll still be 'bachche'!....but that's not the most irritating part about Mrs.Pummi ...No No No No!...it is her stories....she has a story for every occasion!...and they are often HUGELY EXAGGERATED!...she's like dumber version of me! :P ...no really!...but the thing is that in my family....i've to play the role of bittoo!...and because of this my relatives have to use plaster of paris to post a smile on their faces before they meet me....and you know what?...i love it!....i just try and stretch the boundaries of their patience as much as i can!...just the expressions on their faces when a vase shatters into a bazzillion pieces because of the crazy ball i was playing with, is absolutely priceless!...i love being the 'family-douche'!...i'm the devil ain't i?...aww..."bura na mano!...abhi toh main bas bachcha hi hoon!" :P

Anand