Chicken and Ham!!

So the piggy fever thing is still here! And frankly, I'm sick of it. Not one moment goes by when something or the other doesn't remind you of it. It's like the whole world around you is trying to tell you that you're gna die, but you aint gna go down peacefully, u're gna die wheeze-fully! It just makes me wonder. Every other year, some new disease just pops out of no where. Bird flu, swine flu, airplane flew, Nancy drew, coffee brew and what not! Is there like a secret lab, somewhere near Timbuktu, owned by health care companies, churning out diseases one by one, just so that people keep buying their stuff?! Does it have like workers and scientists and armed guards and what not working to finish developing the new strand of 'ong-balloonza-chlamydia-fooza' where you've to ear muffs to protect your brain from liquefying and leaking outta your nose?! i mean come on, SARS, flu's, even anthrax and other crap! the worst thing is, all these are now stealing the thunder from AIDS. The Human Immuno Virus is just sitting around the porch like a retired actor, because nobody cares for him anymore now! And medicine companies? Well they've just stopped caring! They made one drug and whenever a new disease bobs out, they just change the packaging and push it along! If you've SARS, take Tami flu! If you've Chick flu, take Tami flu! If you've Piglet Flu, take Tami flu! How lazy ass can you be?! i bet, the scientists there are probably enjoying themselves at their new 31 million euro condo in the south of France! think about it, when i was 3 years old and 4 inches tall, there was polio and cancer. Then there was polio, cancer and AIDS. Then there was polio, cancer, AIDS and plague.Then there was polio, cancer, AIDS, plague and SARS. And it went on. What happened to the medicines? The only people lazier than these drug companies are the designers at Porsche who've been making every 911 look the same for 40 years, Indian serial writers where every story is about females and their relationship with elders, and people working for Pritam, who just take an international song, replace the words with 'hindi bhaashaa waale shabd'! It has even taken people's minds off important things! Folks now go, "Screw recession, gimme my N95 mask!" But the thing is, as time goes by our body develops immunity to viruses, or we just learn to live with it! In 20 years Lil boy Johnny is gonna come to the school one day and tell Rita ma'am "Chowee, i cdnt come yesht-uhh-day, my AIDS was acting up!" And the merchandising! how can we forget those! gas masks, caps, aprons, condoms, insurance, helmets! I'm not saying you don't need them, some yo really do, like condoms, which if you don't use, can lead to babies, who grow up, and write blogs! and Insurance? well, we all are gna die someday, but having insurance just makes sure that you die on a cot, later! But its all up to us now, we could panic and surrender, like the french in WW2. Or we could be informed, and fight! Or, you can be staunch, shrewd and stubborn and refuse to wear masks! LIKE ME! :D

Anand

Kyunki mom bhi kabhi saas banegi!!

Its good to be back. Its been so long now, almost three quarters of a month! And so much has changed! Rakhi Sawant got engaged, so did Sania, Piggy Fever has spread its tentacles, RGV released yet another craptastic flick, listening to Michael Jackson has become cool again, Dumbledore has passed away and the sales of sunscreen lotion have hit rock bottom because people now prefer wearing masks instead! But the most important piece of news of the past fortnight is that i moved my base to new place! So no more smiling at Wipro chicks. :( . My mum was against the idea of me moving when i told her that i wanted to, she was like "No no, its a nice place, you'll like it, eventually!" So i thought that i needed to play my trump card, and i did. i told my mum, that there's a quartet of cute young engineers staying above me. Worked like a charm and poof! two days later, i had moved! Its not like my parents don't want me to meet someone nice, na na, they do, but only they want me to do so, when i'm 50! Best is when other people come to my home and start talking about me getting married someday, you should see us then! My family just shifts gears into 'Rajshri mode' then. I just sit and smile while my mum goes on talking about how I've soo much independence and that they'll be fine with whomever i chose to date because in how in their eyes, discrimination based on caste, race and religion is plain wrong! Then they go on talking about how they always ask me to go out and meet people and make new friends, and how i only always say, 'Naa! I'm fine alone!' Then they end it by saying, "We don't know what are gonna do about this boy!" But the real fun, begins, when the people leave and you're cleaning up the mess they've made. My dad shoots the first missile, asks "Weird people they were, no? Asked too many questions, No? Wished they'd talk about something else, No?" Then my mom, the quarterback, get the ball, and tries to throw it for a 70 yard touchdown pass! "Well, they asked quite a lot about you maybe they have someone in mind for you!" The game changes from football to baseball here and I being the perpetual batsman go for the first hit, "Naah, they know I'm wise enough to find somebody for myself!" Oooh, a swing and a miss! Strike one! Dad winds up a curve ball, "You seem darn confident, some thing's brewing, No?!" "Nope!", i say! Strike two! The pitcher changes now, Mom steps in, and its a fast ball! "There are girls where you work right? any friends? any bongs? any delhite?" I try to aim for the press box, "Yep, there are a few girls, 2 in my team in fact!" Awww, galat jawaab! Strike three! You're out! The Stadium goes silent, the batter walks back slowly to the den, knowing what a huge mistake he has made. He wishes he could just go back in time and play it safe, but its too late now. The tiger has tasted blood, he cant run, he cant hide. Slowly the predator follows the prey, cornering him, playing with him. "Is that so? Are they attractive?" "NO!", the rabbit's eyes dart from right to left to right again, hoping to find a way out! The Tiger raises, its right paw, the claws shining in the shimmering sunlight! "They better not be, we don't want you bringing a girl into this house!" The bunny sees a loophole and jumps right in, "Eh! so is it okay if i bring a guy? huh? huh? huh?!" Big mistake! I hoped for laughter but I got lowered eyebrows instead! "You know Vinu got married to his girlfriend and see how good that's working out for him!?" "Is that supposed to be a complex-sarcastic-rhetoric-question? And who the bloody hell is Vinu?" Of course i don't say this out loud. But they sense it,

"Vinu is 'some'guy from 'some'where, who's 'some'how related to you! And he got married, now his parents have no respect and his wife doesn't have a silent mode! So listen to me, and listen well! You can fall for any girl!"

"Whee!", i go.

"But..."

"Damn! whys there always a damn but?!"

She goes on, "she must be a bong..."

"How many bong girls do i know? quite a few, but they're all committed! Damn it!"

"...she can be from Delhi..."

"....yaaayhaaay!..."

"...or kolkata!..."

"...double yaaayhaay!..."

"...but her parents must be based in Kolkata!"

" eh! so the girl doesn't matter?!"

"Shut up and listen!"

"Hey! relax"

"No, and she must be well educated and must know how to cook!"

"How does that matter? i know how to cook and i do it pretty well, thank you! So anymore check boxes that she needs to tick?"

"She must not be foreign returned!"

"you worried about swine flu?"

"And she must have really big, i mean really BIG.."

"please don't say what i think you're gonna say!"

"..intellectual background!"

"phew! but what the devil is that?"

"Not important!"

"Really, then why are you telling me this?!"

"Cuz if you marry someone who we don't approve of, then you'll see!"

"Si, Senora! Now may i leave?!"

"Kay, but stay away from the chicks in your company, or somebody gonna get a hurt real bad!"

"What? Do you know Russell Peters?!"

"Who?!"

"Nobody, just a friend, not important!"

"Does he have a sister? Have you met her? Is she pretty? Do you like her?"

"Aww Bugger!"

Here we go again!

PS: The best part is, I'm not even exaggerating here!

TeeVee or Not TeeVee!

Monsoons are nice no? With every drop, mushy feelings arise in your heart, muddy feelings on the road and fungi feelings on the walls! But there is one thing though, no matter where you are, it always seems to rain when you least want it to! Like when you’re waiting for the bus or when you really really want to go the food court or when you don’t have an umbrella or when you're like me and you think that a man must wear a raincoat if and only if there's a bet involved! And it’s those times when you're walking down the street, when you see HIM too, HIM being the person with the umbrella and you being the one without! But you can’t approach HIM, Noooo you can’t, cz ur apprehensive, that HE might touch you, inappropriately! Worse still, he could be an undercover terrorist! See you can’t trust people anymore, and why's that? Because you don’t talk to people that much. Conversation is the foundation of faith! Then again you need common topics to talk about don’t you?! Now the best topics are the ones you see on the telly! But have you seen the programming these days?! Watching a dog chase its tail better than those! Just think about it...On one channel you have a wanna be taking interviews of other wannabes about how they wannabe her hubby!on another you have over dressed or under dressed or plain undressed neanderthals competing with each other and jumping through hoops because the 2 bald twins told them that that'll give them some dough!..switch to another channel and you meet brides and bhabhis and saasus and bahus and bahujais and betis and nannads and baas who apply a trillion ton of patch work on their faces just so they can prance around, shout about and give the same shot thrice from different angles! eventually you give up hope and 'click' goes the surfer and you see the news piece about how one buffalo in garhwal is attracted to a peafowl and is now asking her to 'break the barriers of the society!' and elope with him! What a load of buffalo dumping! But this wasn’t always so, was it?! Remember the simpler days when every Mondays Byomkesh and Ajit solved the trickiest of the puzzles? How about when you woke up early morning on Sundays so that you could catch The Jungle Book then Potli Baba Ki and then Disney Adventures?! The only source of film songs then were Chitrahaar on Wednesdays, Rangoli on Sunday morning and Super Hit Muquabla at night! Back then, the educational shows used to be like Ank Ajoobe and The Turning Point, which always did a triple jump over my head and bounced away! Every monkey was named Rancho and Arun Govil was a bigger celebrity than David Beckham! 'Thank you shaktiman' and 'sorry shaktiman' were essential in every kid’s vocabulary! When you had a crush on the cute girl who presented Phulwari Bachchon ki and you were like so totally jealous of the damn clown! Staying up till 10 to watch surabhi on Sundays was a habit since your dad wanted to hear Prannoy Roy prattling on about the news on the World This Week! When your favorite episode was either The Thesis episode of Flop show where Jaspal Bhatti wants to get his saali married to his student who then goes on to teach her how to ride a scooter, or that Zabaan Sambhalke episode where the anna and the praaji compete for the air hostess's kiss, or that episode in Dekh bhai Dekh where Shilpa leaves Sanju for Saahil, Shekhar chachu bets on horses, bade chachu snores and that under-wear dude sings 'Lolly Lolly, Sunday morning!' Or how waited for the Friday to come just so that you could see the Burning train on DD1! So you see what I mean don’t you? The reason why you got wet today morning is because you have too many channels on your telly! Ditch that DTH and go back to good old antenna! Bring Metro back you govt babus! And Long Live DD1!

Anand

an AD MAD world this be, matey!

Everyone has a dream job! Everybody wants to be somebody when they are nobody!...No that's not right, some even dream about having that perfect job after getting a job!...the dream just sorta lives on! its just keeps bubbling inside, waiting for that one chance to burst out!...that chance can be anything, you know...an opportunity...retirement...'fire'ment...recession and all! I want to be a cheese maker, you know! Zamorano.... Bleu de Gex... Castellano... Creme Fraiche... Fontainebleu.... these are what i wanna make! It is kinda practical!...and somewhat challenging too!...But people don't picture me as a wanna be cheese monger!...No!...People from my school wanted me to be a doctor...people from my workspace want me to be silent....people from my college want me to be dead...and people from my society think i should be in advertising. Hmm..i asked them, why?...they said I've a messed up mind...maybe i could get more bucks for its bang!..but then how is it different from what we do everyday?!..yes!...you cant prove me wrong here...We've all been in advertising all our lives....and we've all been successful, most of the times!...I'll give you my example then...in reverse chronological order....First meeting with my PM...Advertising!...had to show him a trailer of my, ahem, GENIUS!...first meeting with my neighbor....Advertising!...had to put across that I'm not someone, you go with, to a bar!...First meeting with the estate agent...Advertising!...had to show him that i can not afford the rent so that the douche would bring it down!....First meeting with the one, the other one, the third one and the perfect one....Advertising!...had to prove that I'm not a jock, not a jackass, not a snob and not a dingus, respectively!...First meeting with the chief warden...Advertising!...Had to show that, yes i did need to keep my laptop with me!...First meeting with the best buddy....advertising!...had to show her that even though i pretend to listen when other's are talking, but when she's saying something i really listen...or i try to!...First meeting with the principal...Advertising!...had to get him to not shove me in with the special wing kiddies!...First meeting with grandpa!...Advertising!...had to promote myself as a 'better product' than my cousins!...and this is what I'm guessing, first meeting with my dad...again Advertising!...had to 'show him' that i was in fact a boy and that how "Shikha" shouldn't quite be my name!....and now my first ad!...when i met my mom....had to show that i was worth the 8 hour labour!..umm...so there you go then!...we're all into show-business!!...some of us just haven't realized it yet!...but don't worry if you haven't...would drive you to the brinks of being paranoid!...just look at what this has done to me!...

Anand

Boy, Oh Boy....!!

Now the most important 'day-old' news in the world! Pay attention you, this will change the world. Genetic scientists at the University of Goettingen in Germany have produced 65 mouse fetuses using sperm that was grown from embryonic stem cells. Do you know what this means??? This means that, it is probable that in the near future, they could take early germ cells from one woman, turn them into sperm cells, and use those to fertilise the egg of another woman. and and that's not all. Anytime now we can have Male Eggs and Female Sperms! Now correct me if I'm wrong, but wont that make half the world's population REDUNDANT?! where, by the way, half the population is ALL THE MEN! biologically speaking,what use are we males?! We dont get pregnant, We cant go into Labour, We wont give birth, except of course if u're a certain Mr.Thomas Beatie, but then he was a trans-gendered male wasn't he? So this thing, pretty much, will make our existence, completely pointless! Now I'm not being paranoid here, but see, natural selection works n one way, and one way only, if u need it, you'll have it, if you don't, you wont! Look at what happened to the Caspian Tigers, the Woolly Rhinoceros, the Quagga! eeesssh! I mean if this world were to like the Human Body, Men would end up as the appendix! We need some WMD's now! Worldwide Male Defence!! Someone phone the Animal Rights Activists and tell them about this catastrophe! Call up the WWF and ask them to add us to their Endangered Species List! We need all the help we can get! Men, all over the world, shut up and step up, for this might be your last chance! Think about your sons and grandsons! Do you want them to grow up in a world where men are kept in sanctuaries and museums and are paraded on animal planet, to 'raise awareness'? Of course you don't! So start cleaning up your act, cuz if we keep acting like jerks, its not soon before long that we'll be tossed out on the streets as ageing pets! Giddy Up!! Get to work!!

Anand

ps: this is what happens when i stay still for long, i start talking nonsense!

pps: I understand if you dont want to be friends with me anymore, its apt! Just what i deserve!

ppps: didja see,? didja see? i dint use any '....'s today! Sucks, doesn't it?!

pppps: Hey this is a new record, 4 post scripts!

ppppps: Well, this is the last one, i promise!

pppppps: i Lied!

ppppppps: Jeez! so many P's!

pppppppps: :P

to each his own...

Have you seen Hitman?...in it, Timothy Olyphant asks the agent..."How does a good man know when to kill?"....wel! i have a similar question, just not as intense...."How does a good man know when to leave his seat for somebody else?!"...oh! stop laughing now, i am a moderately good man!...anyway here's the deal...i'm not religious...i do not believe in the existence of a higher power....what i do believe in, is the power of probability and permutation and combinations!...also, i don't have any faith in karma!...i think, you must do what like, what your intellect and conscience tells you to!...and more often than not, they'll tell you to put smiles on other people's faces...so that is what i try to do...mostly...you might remember about the time i did that experiment which involved doing favours for men and women...about how i left my seat for this girl who was late coming to the bus...yeah!...so, well, it was raining yesterday, alright, so obviously the bus was packed like the backpack of a 12 year old!...as it was about to move, 3 people just jumped in!...and as the bus rolled, they just stood there, shivering in the cold, with barely enough place to stand comfortably!...as i sat smugly in my seat, i saw them, one girl looked like a new employee...how do i know that?...cz she was looking so intently at the road that it was obvious that she had recently moved to pune and was probably new to this bus....the second was a man in his mid thirties, partially bald and totally obese with a briefcase, a Tupperware tiffin and an umbrella with a 'u-handle'!...and last was a frail looking lady, newly married, and on the phone...now i had to get up and offer my seat to someone, question was, who deserved it the most?...the girl was shivering her hair clips off in the breeze...the man was pretty much stuck in the aisle and could not possibly itch his nose even if he really really REALLY wanted to...and the lady was constantly losing her balance cz she cdnt reach the overhead beams!..i was in a classic pickle...cz u see, i not only had to choose someone to offer my seat to, but i had to stand there with the other two glaring down my neck and cursing 17 generations of my family!...i looked around...i thought that maybe i'd go with the crowd's opinion and give the seat to the one who was being looked at by the most no. of people...didn't help, nobody was bothered!..either they were too busy trying to dry off their ipods...or were too engrossed in the days gossip about how their teammate was saying sweet-nothing in a PYT"s ear!...made me wonder, that...chivalry was dead, politeness dead-er!...as dads and brother's will agree with me, there's a princess inside every girl...so obviously, i expected a knight in every boy too!...but i guess i was wrong!...douchebags!...nothing more than that...not one single person volunteered...i bet most were thinking 'heck, we paid for a ticket too! if they wanted a seat, they should've come early!"...to people who think like that i show my middle finger with pride!....and if people like those are sitting, i'd rather stand...so i did...i didn't offer my seat to anyone....just got up and moved to the front of the bus...natural selection took its course and the girl sat down merrily!....of course, i turned around to look, the pot bellied man smiled, so did the the woman. the girl too and then she mumbled something, which i guess was like a thank you!...the whole bus was looking at me now...probably thinking why, if i had to give my seat to someone, did i not get up earlier?...but i ask them now, " How does a good man know, when to give up his seat for someone?!"

Anand

ps : if you were on that bus, then shame on you!....you didn't even get up after i did!...

pps: people usually write no offence intended in post like this....but no...i intend offence!

Miles and Miles of Smiles!

...I read this news piece yesterday in the TOI which said that 50percent of all foreigners murdered in the Australia are Indians!...Man!...that's some shocking stuff!...its all because of ignorance!...ignorance about diversity!...well, there are 195 countries in the world!!!...ONE HUNDRED AND NINETY FIVE!...that's some number...and it'll take you mighty long to get to know about even 15percent of them!!...now, i know you'll be full rolling your eyes and all...but think about it...i mean most of us stay in societies right?...sure you know your neighbor but can you confidently say that about all the residents of the society?....scrap that, do you even know all the people living in your building...you know what, scrap that too, do you know one person, at least, from every apartment in your building?...most of you don't!...and that's because...its just too hard...there are just too many different types of people!...now i pretty much stay in the middle of nowhere, alright!...so I'm like courage the cowardly dog!...just one building, surrounded by unending nothingness on all sides!...but people still stay here....and nice people too!!...or so i think!...well, on my right side is a family...of four...two kiddies and their mum and dad...good folks....pretty well behaved...except when the hubby spills orange juice on the carpet and the fair lady just...well..loses it!...her shrill voice....coupled with the indistinguishable indescribable intelligible word delivery makes our poor watchman redundant...cz i bet no thief would ever dare venture into this apartment cz of her monster mouth!!...right next to me are a bunch of bachelors...who, I'm pretty sure are delighted that section 377 has been done away with!...no no...bear with me now!...first of all, they have pink walls!....bright candy fluff pink....their favourite artists are the backstreet boys and the pussycat dolls!..their car smells of jasmines!...and i once saw empty cartons of hair removal creams and fairness creams outside their apartment!...now the apartment above mine...so aptly called the seventh heaven...is occupied by 4 wipro girls!...weird ones...they'd hug you if they need to get something done but then show you the middle finger after they've got their way!!...i mean they came to my room and asked me whether i go to the gym!..i! and gym!...the chances of me ever going to a gym are rarer than the chances of full frontal nudity in the next Disney flick!!...but they're very cute...so...you know! :D ...on the top floor, stays an elderly couple!...retired and very happy!...i mean, the dude (yes! he is a dude!....he was a boxer for god's sake!) is probably the only guy IN THE WORLD who can compete in a joust of crapolicious jokes with me!...and the chick, (again, I've seen the pictures of when they were young and you know, that if Jennifer Hawkins had seen her then, she'd just die of jealousy!!) prepares the best cup cakes ever!...well what i want to say here is, well don't go by what other's tell you!..do not let your perception of others be affected by what you..umm...read in the papers...or watch on the telly..or hear in other's rants!...don't be brainwashed by people who just want to fuel their political motives!..no no!...instead...talk to people!....be friendly....smile!...if they don't smile back!...move on!...smile at the next guy...and the next..and the next!...i mean what is the world anyway?...its just us!....they're only 6 degrees of separation between us and that's about it.....plus it is the best deal!....you'll get what you give...and more!...so start living, start loving!

Anand

:D